Snow Pea-Coconut Salad

I’m doing some mini catering for barter round these parts and loving it.  I’m making salads that include fear foods (I dunno…raisins, yam, wheat berries, quinoa, that stuff…).  It’s good – I make extra for myself and challenge myself with it.

Here’s a yum thing:

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Snow Pea-Coconut Salad:

Ingredients:

Salad:
1 cup shelled fresh snow peas
1 cuke, sliced
1/2 cup coconut shreds unsw, toasted (it’s worth it)
1/3 cup diced red onion
handful fresh basil leaves, sliced

Dressing:
1/3 cup peanut oil
juice of 1/2 lime
1 TBSP miso paste
black pepper
sriracha

 

 

Flaxseed Focaccia

This was yum, via Healful Pursuit blog.  I made it and froze it and have been eating it, defrosting a slice in the toasted works swell.  I am afraid of bread, so this is a nice way to reintegrate the idea into my life (when I do eat bread, I’ll be having one of those hefty German loaves you can knock a mugger in the head with #nahmean).

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Here it is:

Author: Leanne Vogel
Recipe type: Paleo, Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Sugar-free, Yeast-free, Corn-free, Grain-free, Nut-free, Keto
Prep time:  10 mins
Cook time:  20 mins
Total time:  30 mins
Serves: 12
Grain-free, low-carb, keto bread recipe made entirely of flaxseed with a very bread-like texture. Perfect for toast and sandwiches.
Ingredients
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 350F and line a 13×9 baking pan with parchment paper draped over the sides. Set aside.
  2. Combine flax seed with baking powder, herb mix and sea salt in a large bowl. Whisk to combine fully and set aside.
  3. Add eggs, water and oil to the jug of your high-powered blender. Blend on high for 30 seconds, until foamy.
  4. Transfer liquid mixture to the bowl with the flaxseed mixture. Stir with a spatula, just until incorporated. The mixture will be very fluffy. Once incorporated, allow to sit for 3 minutes.
  5. Drop mixture into prepared baking pan. Smooth with the back of the spatula and transfer the pan to the preheated oven.
  6. Bake bread for 20 minutes, until top is golden. Remove from the oven and lift bread (from the parchment paper sides) to a cooling rack. Peel the parchment paper from the bottom of the bread and allow the bread to cool on the cooling rack for an hour.
  7. Cut into 12 pieces.
  8. Bread can be toasted or frozen. Keeps in the fridge for 3-4 days and in the freezer for up to 3 months.

Avocado Gazpacho

I’m starting to be able to feel hunger and cravings, which is new because I’ve totally blocked off those signals.

Like, I’m craving fat….yesterday I licked clean the chicken leg I was eating, skin and all (hormone-free etcetcetc).

Here’s yum:

Screen shot 2017-06-28 at 7.38.26 AM

Blend together these ingredients:
2 small garden cukes (unpeeled is fine if thin skin and fresh)
1/4 big avocado, or 1/2 small
Squeeze of lime juice
Some good squirts fish sauce
1 cup Almond milk (or milk of choice)
1 cup veg stock (or water/chicken stock)
2 green olives
1 tbsp nutritional yeast
Black pepper
Small hunk of red onion
Handful cilantro
Top with: egg, nori, konjac noodles, unhulled hemp hearts, sesame seeds
Other options: shrimp, nuts, croutons, roasted chickpeas, sprouts, drizzle olive oil or coconut milk
Serves 1

Berry Omelette

Think you’ll need to scroll for this recipe? Omelette that sliiiideeee…yum:  Omelette this AM because Toronto is cold.
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Serves 1
Time: like, 7 minutesuntilheaven
Ingredients:
Omelette:
2-3 eggs
1 Tsp vanilla extract
Pinch of Nutmeg
I added a ginseng package
Sea salt
Toppings:
Berries
Maca pow
Cacao nibs
Bee pollen
Drizzled with coconut cream
Directions:
Heat some coconut oil/butter in pan. Fry omelette. Plate- add toppings and fold.
Eat.

 

NOW the post tidbit, because I know you just wanted the damn recipe #amiright?  Feeling feelings is new, I have been on a smoothie kick, and this AM I gave myself the space to feel that I wanted something else, my usual habit of routinized food prep paved way to an unsettled feeling inside my gut telling me I didn’t want a smoothie.  This is so good, learning to feel, to use my intuition.

Lunch Cookies

You know when you are looking for a recipe, and you’ve gotta scroll?

F*** tha sh** ah fuckthatshit asterics rubbish

Here you go: #vegan #justkidding #eggsarebae

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Lunch Cookies
Prep: 5 mins
Cooking time: 20 mins
Makes 12 cookies
Ingredients:
1/2 cup unhulled hemp seeds
1/2 cup flaxseeds
1/4 cup quinoa flakes (#foodfearchallenge)
1 cup raw nuts/seeds of choice (I used almonds, sunflower, cashews, walnuts, pepitas)
1 egg
1 garlic scape
2 tbsp nutritional yeast
1-2 tsp turmeric
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 350.
Blend ingredients in food processor.
Shape into flat balls on a baking sheet (lined w foil for easier clean up- they won’t stick).
Bake at 350 for 20 mins.
Will keep in fridge for a week.

GERD, Bloating, Cramps: that Shit

Drinking wine, working on my website, probably constipated.

All of it, the body rebels so hard when disconnected from it.  Eating disorders thrive on escapism.  Totally feel that.  Exercise is an escape.  Today, I ran for the second time since my stress fracture in January, and man my legs are like lead.  My first run was on Wednesday and it was such bliss until the next day when I work up and this happened: 

Such le merde pain.  I haven’t swam as a discipline for months, because I’m too scared of cold.  My body gets so damn cold because of low body fat.  But I’ve gained some weight, boobs feel better, hey hey hello.

The running, I love.  This pain, sucks. It’s such a different way to live to focus on the living part, instead of controlling food times, and “fitting life in” around that.  It’s so new and hard (thatswhatshesaid)…but it’s right.

I am really keen to hear about other people’s experiences with all the tummy troubles regarding eating disorders.  I have had a chronic run stitch off and on for years when I was running, and it sucks.  I trust intuitively that the cause stems from not listening to my body’s cues etc.  Like today, I asked myself if it would bring me joy to go on that run, and I looked into my eyes in the bathroom mirror and answered “no”…I still ran though.  And ended up walking home after some really fun trail blazing in High Park.

I am in the process of creating an online profile for myself, for eating disorder recovery, mindfulness, awareness, holistic nutrition, yoga, trail running, connection, etc, but I feel isolated and alone.  I know this is my calling, and I know intuitively, deeply that I’m not alone, but I feel it.  Day-to-day I feel like I’m lacking social connection, meaningful connection, and even when I have it, I don’t feel present in the moment.  I’m really sick of food taking precedence over my thoughts.  I know it’s so important, but I guess similarly to media as a tool, instagram and facebook that’ll be “tools” I’ll use as promoting my cause, they are to be used and not abused.  Food’s been abused in my life.  I want to use my knowledge to stop bloating myself, food diluting, feigning the idea that I don’t really know what I need.  I know what I need.  But it’s almost like I feel like I need my life to be so “ideal” that I have to wait till perfection until I “light the match”…. like I need an external condition before I bite the “oatmeal”….

Some good shit that I AM doing (instead of focusing on what I’m not) is writing a challenge list and ticking things off as I go.  One of those things was a burger…did it!  Bunless, albeit, but the patty is still a challenge.  I also ate out at Antler (eating around people is a challenge), and am eating (sometimes…) in between lunch and dinner when I know I need to, instead of convincing myself that the headache is a result of being tired and not low blood sugar.  I’ve also had a promise of a free burger from The Rude Boy Burger for a sponsored burger on the house in my ED recovery journey.  Big bless.  It’s too hot to cook today, maybe it’s the day.  I did a caesar solo on a patio from BQM  too.  It was nice.

I wish I had people around me going through this shit to lean on.  I’ve got Jill from A Case of the Jills, and she’s such a sweet spokesperson for Hypothalamic Amenorrhea, and it’s a blessing to feel supported by her.  But in terms of human beings that are here, nah.

That’s that.

How “Self-Love” Heals Anorexia

IMG_3162In reading excerpts from “The Evolutionary Bases of Consumption” By Gad Saad research points to the self-explanatory reasoning for the basic cessation of period via self-starvation because of a conscious or subconscious belief that the woman doesn’t want to procreate.

Reading this, and knowing this (because of my own self-analysis of my eating disorder, I had an “aha moment” regarding this whole “self love” concept.  Self-love self-love, all over the mindfulness blog posts etc.  But personally, it’s a vague concept to me.  I realized something though: growing up, all the comments, all the words, all the mirrors, and combined with being a sensitive woman, I somehow cultivated enough self-hate to determine that I wasn’t worthy of procreation.  Therefore; self-starvation was my means of continuing a half-life, while self-punititive for my imperfections

Maybe self-love is the idea that I am beautiful as I am, and that in itself is enough for me to be “worthy” of creating life!  I’ve always shunned the masochistic view of femininity, never one to quote Women Who Run with the Wolves and feel right about using the term “divine feminine” or “goddess”…So in my own words, the idea of being beautiful is innate, it’s a feeling more than a thought.  And I’m realizing that if I believe it truly, regardless of the mirror, then all of my actions stem from that space of being nice to myself and treating myself with the most care that I have the current knowledge of to simple feel good.

I’ve realized that my subconscious harnessed this self-hatred while my conscious mind was in denial.  I wasn’t acknowledging my past history with men, boys, rude asshole comments while I would be running outside, going to Western , living with 7 girls who were all trying to find themselves in a sea of image-conscious youngins wearing uggs and raybans….being a perfectionist, and being bullied.

I pretended that it didn’t matter that the girl at the bar last night was wearing the same dress as me, and her “crew” was picking at comparing our bodies,  that a man yelled that “if you ran more, your thighs’ll look better”, or that I was “ok-looking”.  That shit hurts, though!

Somewhere along the way, I was in so much hidden pain, feeling alone, and without an outlet of expressing it, that I cultivated the belief that I needed to stop myself from being healthy enough to further the human kind because of unworthiness.  WOW.

So now, with instagram, facebook, snapchat, and all the other forms of social media, I’m pretty sure that it is of utmost importance that this issue be brought to light for girls, AND guys, from a young age. There’s gotta be mindfulness and awareness brought to the detriments of negative self-talk and societal perfectionism.

So that sums up the idea of “self-love”: having a strong enough self-image that the outer voices don’t have the power to shake us.  To be able to block of the outer noise, knowing deeply and having that sense of security in ourselves and the innate beauty that we all have.  “Divinity” or whatever you want to call it, everyone deserves to feel that.

I’m going to go meditate on this.  Maybe this is my calling right now.

I’m a High Performance Nutrition Coach, here’s why I won’t prescribe meal plans:

My relationship with food has been one hell of a rollercoaster. I’ve tried heaps of diets; from being a 5-year vegetarian, to the slow-carb, low carb, Paleo, Keto, GAPS, and more than I probably can know the names for. Result: none work. Lots of those were purposed towards weight loss since high school when my relationship with my body grew in a mean self-deprecating kind of way. As I controlled more, my body rebelled more, and the self-hate built more resilient. Only through untethering from these diets and rules, am I understanding that when I stem from inner harmony with my organic needs, and a place of compassionate self-inquiry, does the self-love blanket me in glowing health and goodfeelz.

IMG_1208What I’ve realized is that the key to finding the perfectly tailored meal plan for me is to tune out the noise and look inwards. That’s why I won’t be prescribing meal plans to future clients. I’m in the process of silencing the noise of my tunnel vision, guiding myself towards and away from different foods; dubbed “forbidden”, or condoned.

My goal is to help be a catalyst for discovering one’s own intuition. As I learn how to discover my own, I want to research the ways in which space opens up for attentive observation. I want to feel more than think, and trust myself. One day, I want to help others to do this.

I guess that’s all I want to say:

Listen to yourself, screw the noise.

Meditate and take like, 30 seconds to feel out where you feel hunger, and what it means, when it hits. Plan ahead a little, once you’re able to decipher the sweet whispers, and as they grow(l) louder. But be a receptive student, open to the fact that there are no rules, what might sit well one time, might not another. No absolutes, no definites, no “for sure”, because we are dynamic beings, always shifting, adapting and changing. Therefore, our needs for sure follow suit, shifting, changing.

The gut is an obnoxiously loud tool. Use it.

It’s like an MD with a speakerphone, often pretty damn hard to silence. When gut’s out of whack, bitch please you KNOW, right?

So, instead of getting angry, frustrated, and straight up pissed off, why not listen to what it’s asking? Use it as a tool. Do you need to do child’s pose or wind relieving? Legs up the wall? Do you need a tea or some prune juice 😉 Protein, or calming oatmeal? Chamomile, or Cabernet? It’s a balance man, turmeric’s great, so is kefir, and kraut, but not all of the time.

Listen.

Be aware.

Feel.

 

That’s where I’m at.

Feeling

The past two weeks are nuts, I don’t know the catalyst, maybe meeting Jill (hypothalamic amenorrhea warrior and spokesperson), or deleting my facebook and instagram accounts after reccos from my naturopath, or just being so fucking sick and tired of being tired and sick, and the warm weather having me craving LIFE (patio caesars, group trail runs, camp fire hangs, going out dancing round town like #awomanofthenight and doing the damn hair whip or something, the sexymenoutofhidingsportingmanbuns n tingz….but I am aware of my feelings more than ever.

I am so sick of analyzing my past and seeing why the hell I starve myself or control my life so damn much, but I want to live by my intuition, not self-inflicted routines implemented by my mind.  I know what I want:

Use my mind as a tool to listen to my bodytalk.

I haven’t been so vocal about this experience of change because it’s overwhelming me in emotions and feelings vs thoughts and words.  It’s the experience of living through my body instead of my mind.  I am frustrated though because in this process I have such overwhelm of #mymindisfulloffuck like, just #ALLTHEFEELS #nahmean?  People will only understand if they have gone through this stuff.  It’s so blinding where I came from and so enlightening and fear-free where I’m going.

I had a rad experience yesterday at the Telus store at Dufferin Mall.  I met Shad (ifyoudon’tknow…yourewelcome).  It was great, he’s a solid dude, great flow, and a local from London, ON.  We had a great conversation about life concepts, starting with the addiction to being online.  I bluntly told him about my struggles with Disordered Eating, and he was so honest in expressing how the stigma against body image talk was so prevalent among males that it isolates, and shuts off any feelings men might have.  The alientation and disregard of body image among men is huge.  I can’t imagine, because even as a female, I feel as though the talk about body image is big online, but unless you’re a member of a specific group, day-to-day talk is slim (nopunintended…thistime…).  And it’s fucked because it starts from a small seed of self-harming beliefs at a young age, and catapults.  I want to help girls to recognize early on this habit, and help initiate body-mind-celebration to infiltrate a healthy seat of soul.

It was so warming to hear such an icon like Shad expressing vulnerability and that he too has experienced and observed insecurity and self-deprecation among men.  It’s a thing, and I know that my disconnect from my own feelings are what led me here.  Reconnecting through FEELING is important.  I am currently fighting by telling myself “don’t think, just do” because as soon as my monkey mind starts to implement self-doubt, I make harmful choices.  When I observe a feeling, I say “don’t think, just do” and follow through.  For example, after my training, I’ll immediate come and eat something.  I know that if I think, I’ll easily talk myself out of it, but by breathing and saying that mantra, I act on the impulse.

That’s what’s up.

Feel me?

On “Flux”

Life is such a flux.

I always feel like I’m searching for certainty, for “the secret”, for the “always”.  I’d like to know that my body will stay the same shape as I get healthier (save for bigger boobs and a bonitaapplebum…) and I want to know that I’ll only gain weight in muscle/the ways that I believe to be aesthetic/functional as an athlete.

I’d like for my digestion to be like clockwork; to know when I’ll need the bathroom, to know exactly what time to eat/what to eat/when to train, when it’ll rain, it’s type simple and plain to maintain
I add a little funk to the brain
The funk baby…but that’s brain-insane, no?

Insanity is the thoughts my mind tries to make me believe; those desires.  I want to feel this stuff as it arrives in my body, and then use my mind with the feedback to act on whatever arises (of which I have no control) to feel better.

It takes trust and letting go of my thoughts.  It’s so hard when I’m very used to thinking more than feeling, and overriding any physical needs before they have the chance of manifesting and me acting on them.  I have alienated my feelings because I’m afraid to feel.  But this restricted living is taking a toll on my life and I’ve come to an awareness opening up to being so damn numb that I’m willing to risk the fear in order to get out of this half life.

I have changed my schedule throughout the past few years since its implementation, granted.  As my feelings have changed, I have adapted, but only in adjusting and shifting my regimented schedule and rigidity.  Letting go actually means tossing the concept of grasping, certainty and expectations to the curb, and living with no seat under my ass.

Tuning into feelings as they come.
Ever changing.
The dynamic human being, woman, lady, little girl.
Finding balance in whatever comes.