Snow Pea-Coconut Salad

I’m doing some mini catering for barter round these parts and loving it.  I’m making salads that include fear foods (I dunno…raisins, yam, wheat berries, quinoa, that stuff…).  It’s good – I make extra for myself and challenge myself with it.

Here’s a yum thing:

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Snow Pea-Coconut Salad:


1 cup shelled fresh snow peas
1 cuke, sliced
1/2 cup coconut shreds unsw, toasted (it’s worth it)
1/3 cup diced red onion
handful fresh basil leaves, sliced

1/3 cup peanut oil
juice of 1/2 lime
1 TBSP miso paste
black pepper



Flaxseed Focaccia

This was yum, via Healful Pursuit blog.  I made it and froze it and have been eating it, defrosting a slice in the toasted works swell.  I am afraid of bread, so this is a nice way to reintegrate the idea into my life (when I do eat bread, I’ll be having one of those hefty German loaves you can knock a mugger in the head with #nahmean).

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Here it is:

Author: Leanne Vogel
Recipe type: Paleo, Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Sugar-free, Yeast-free, Corn-free, Grain-free, Nut-free, Keto
Prep time:  10 mins
Cook time:  20 mins
Total time:  30 mins
Serves: 12
Grain-free, low-carb, keto bread recipe made entirely of flaxseed with a very bread-like texture. Perfect for toast and sandwiches.
  1. Preheat oven to 350F and line a 13×9 baking pan with parchment paper draped over the sides. Set aside.
  2. Combine flax seed with baking powder, herb mix and sea salt in a large bowl. Whisk to combine fully and set aside.
  3. Add eggs, water and oil to the jug of your high-powered blender. Blend on high for 30 seconds, until foamy.
  4. Transfer liquid mixture to the bowl with the flaxseed mixture. Stir with a spatula, just until incorporated. The mixture will be very fluffy. Once incorporated, allow to sit for 3 minutes.
  5. Drop mixture into prepared baking pan. Smooth with the back of the spatula and transfer the pan to the preheated oven.
  6. Bake bread for 20 minutes, until top is golden. Remove from the oven and lift bread (from the parchment paper sides) to a cooling rack. Peel the parchment paper from the bottom of the bread and allow the bread to cool on the cooling rack for an hour.
  7. Cut into 12 pieces.
  8. Bread can be toasted or frozen. Keeps in the fridge for 3-4 days and in the freezer for up to 3 months.

Avocado Gazpacho

I’m starting to be able to feel hunger and cravings, which is new because I’ve totally blocked off those signals.

Like, I’m craving fat….yesterday I licked clean the chicken leg I was eating, skin and all (hormone-free etcetcetc).

Here’s yum:

Screen shot 2017-06-28 at 7.38.26 AM

Blend together these ingredients:
2 small garden cukes (unpeeled is fine if thin skin and fresh)
1/4 big avocado, or 1/2 small
Squeeze of lime juice
Some good squirts fish sauce
1 cup Almond milk (or milk of choice)
1 cup veg stock (or water/chicken stock)
2 green olives
1 tbsp nutritional yeast
Black pepper
Small hunk of red onion
Handful cilantro
Top with: egg, nori, konjac noodles, unhulled hemp hearts, sesame seeds
Other options: shrimp, nuts, croutons, roasted chickpeas, sprouts, drizzle olive oil or coconut milk
Serves 1

Berry Omelette

Think you’ll need to scroll for this recipe? Omelette that sliiiideeee…yum:  Omelette this AM because Toronto is cold.
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Serves 1
Time: like, 7 minutesuntilheaven
2-3 eggs
1 Tsp vanilla extract
Pinch of Nutmeg
I added a ginseng package
Sea salt
Maca pow
Cacao nibs
Bee pollen
Drizzled with coconut cream
Heat some coconut oil/butter in pan. Fry omelette. Plate- add toppings and fold.


NOW the post tidbit, because I know you just wanted the damn recipe #amiright?  Feeling feelings is new, I have been on a smoothie kick, and this AM I gave myself the space to feel that I wanted something else, my usual habit of routinized food prep paved way to an unsettled feeling inside my gut telling me I didn’t want a smoothie.  This is so good, learning to feel, to use my intuition.

Lunch Cookies

You know when you are looking for a recipe, and you’ve gotta scroll?

F*** tha sh** ah fuckthatshit asterics rubbish

Here you go: #vegan #justkidding #eggsarebae

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Lunch Cookies
Prep: 5 mins
Cooking time: 20 mins
Makes 12 cookies
1/2 cup unhulled hemp seeds
1/2 cup flaxseeds
1/4 cup quinoa flakes (#foodfearchallenge)
1 cup raw nuts/seeds of choice (I used almonds, sunflower, cashews, walnuts, pepitas)
1 egg
1 garlic scape
2 tbsp nutritional yeast
1-2 tsp turmeric
Salt and pepper
Preheat oven to 350.
Blend ingredients in food processor.
Shape into flat balls on a baking sheet (lined w foil for easier clean up- they won’t stick).
Bake at 350 for 20 mins.
Will keep in fridge for a week.

GERD, Bloating, Cramps: that Shit

Drinking wine, working on my website, probably constipated.

All of it, the body rebels so hard when disconnected from it.  Eating disorders thrive on escapism.  Totally feel that.  Exercise is an escape.  Today, I ran for the second time since my stress fracture in January, and man my legs are like lead.  My first run was on Wednesday and it was such bliss until the next day when I work up and this happened: 

Such le merde pain.  I haven’t swam as a discipline for months, because I’m too scared of cold.  My body gets so damn cold because of low body fat.  But I’ve gained some weight, boobs feel better, hey hey hello.

The running, I love.  This pain, sucks. It’s such a different way to live to focus on the living part, instead of controlling food times, and “fitting life in” around that.  It’s so new and hard (thatswhatshesaid)…but it’s right.

I am really keen to hear about other people’s experiences with all the tummy troubles regarding eating disorders.  I have had a chronic run stitch off and on for years when I was running, and it sucks.  I trust intuitively that the cause stems from not listening to my body’s cues etc.  Like today, I asked myself if it would bring me joy to go on that run, and I looked into my eyes in the bathroom mirror and answered “no”…I still ran though.  And ended up walking home after some really fun trail blazing in High Park.

I am in the process of creating an online profile for myself, for eating disorder recovery, mindfulness, awareness, holistic nutrition, yoga, trail running, connection, etc, but I feel isolated and alone.  I know this is my calling, and I know intuitively, deeply that I’m not alone, but I feel it.  Day-to-day I feel like I’m lacking social connection, meaningful connection, and even when I have it, I don’t feel present in the moment.  I’m really sick of food taking precedence over my thoughts.  I know it’s so important, but I guess similarly to media as a tool, instagram and facebook that’ll be “tools” I’ll use as promoting my cause, they are to be used and not abused.  Food’s been abused in my life.  I want to use my knowledge to stop bloating myself, food diluting, feigning the idea that I don’t really know what I need.  I know what I need.  But it’s almost like I feel like I need my life to be so “ideal” that I have to wait till perfection until I “light the match”…. like I need an external condition before I bite the “oatmeal”….

Some good shit that I AM doing (instead of focusing on what I’m not) is writing a challenge list and ticking things off as I go.  One of those things was a burger…did it!  Bunless, albeit, but the patty is still a challenge.  I also ate out at Antler (eating around people is a challenge), and am eating (sometimes…) in between lunch and dinner when I know I need to, instead of convincing myself that the headache is a result of being tired and not low blood sugar.  I’ve also had a promise of a free burger from The Rude Boy Burger for a sponsored burger on the house in my ED recovery journey.  Big bless.  It’s too hot to cook today, maybe it’s the day.  I did a caesar solo on a patio from BQM  too.  It was nice.

I wish I had people around me going through this shit to lean on.  I’ve got Jill from A Case of the Jills, and she’s such a sweet spokesperson for Hypothalamic Amenorrhea, and it’s a blessing to feel supported by her.  But in terms of human beings that are here, nah.

That’s that.

How “Self-Love” Heals Anorexia

IMG_3162In reading excerpts from “The Evolutionary Bases of Consumption” By Gad Saad research points to the self-explanatory reasoning for the basic cessation of period via self-starvation because of a conscious or subconscious belief that the woman doesn’t want to procreate.

Reading this, and knowing this (because of my own self-analysis of my eating disorder, I had an “aha moment” regarding this whole “self love” concept.  Self-love self-love, all over the mindfulness blog posts etc.  But personally, it’s a vague concept to me.  I realized something though: growing up, all the comments, all the words, all the mirrors, and combined with being a sensitive woman, I somehow cultivated enough self-hate to determine that I wasn’t worthy of procreation.  Therefore; self-starvation was my means of continuing a half-life, while self-punititive for my imperfections

Maybe self-love is the idea that I am beautiful as I am, and that in itself is enough for me to be “worthy” of creating life!  I’ve always shunned the masochistic view of femininity, never one to quote Women Who Run with the Wolves and feel right about using the term “divine feminine” or “goddess”…So in my own words, the idea of being beautiful is innate, it’s a feeling more than a thought.  And I’m realizing that if I believe it truly, regardless of the mirror, then all of my actions stem from that space of being nice to myself and treating myself with the most care that I have the current knowledge of to simple feel good.

I’ve realized that my subconscious harnessed this self-hatred while my conscious mind was in denial.  I wasn’t acknowledging my past history with men, boys, rude asshole comments while I would be running outside, going to Western , living with 7 girls who were all trying to find themselves in a sea of image-conscious youngins wearing uggs and raybans….being a perfectionist, and being bullied.

I pretended that it didn’t matter that the girl at the bar last night was wearing the same dress as me, and her “crew” was picking at comparing our bodies,  that a man yelled that “if you ran more, your thighs’ll look better”, or that I was “ok-looking”.  That shit hurts, though!

Somewhere along the way, I was in so much hidden pain, feeling alone, and without an outlet of expressing it, that I cultivated the belief that I needed to stop myself from being healthy enough to further the human kind because of unworthiness.  WOW.

So now, with instagram, facebook, snapchat, and all the other forms of social media, I’m pretty sure that it is of utmost importance that this issue be brought to light for girls, AND guys, from a young age. There’s gotta be mindfulness and awareness brought to the detriments of negative self-talk and societal perfectionism.

So that sums up the idea of “self-love”: having a strong enough self-image that the outer voices don’t have the power to shake us.  To be able to block of the outer noise, knowing deeply and having that sense of security in ourselves and the innate beauty that we all have.  “Divinity” or whatever you want to call it, everyone deserves to feel that.

I’m going to go meditate on this.  Maybe this is my calling right now.