DatfkninnerDialogueTho…

“Helliptical” gym run gotmelike imletired but I wasn’t le hungry because breakfast was not restricted #greatsuccess

Biking home, inner dialogue:

ED: I don’t need to have the gelatine from yesterday’s goal because I can last till lunch.

Mel: n**** fuck da shi gurl what you sayin!?

ED: ya bitch, you can procrastinate till lunch, woman!

Mel: ima eat you for lunch…

ED: don’t do it right when you get home, you’re sweaty and yick it’s not ok to eat then.

(Fine…that part ‘won’)

Mel: but imma do it after shower.

ED: ya right

Mel: watch me (DID IT)

THANK YOU ORGANIKA, Justin, LEAH!!! Carlie, Lo, Marta, MegJenn, Jess, Mum, Dad, Jenni Schaefer, Sara, Corinne, Ellison,  Liz, Sarah, Kelsi, Jill, Emelie, Barb, Sadie, Lenore, Asha, Jacqui, and so many others but I’m foam rolling ATM so next post I’ll continue with my gratitude list bc it’s so long.

See you on the trails, soon!

My goals and support team fighting this rubbish, bless #Picasso

 

Recovery, one bite at a time

Today I had my appointment with my dietitian, and it was a call to healing. I didn’t think I could be receptive to the idea of getting help when I tried from parental obligations in the past years. Today, I chose it. I need to delegate some of the tasks and hand over control. It’s good.

I have three goals for this month:

1) after my workouts, taking a big spoonful immediately afterwards of Grass Fed Beef gelatine (it’s a “safe food” for me, nourishing, and protein rich. It’ll help me regrow my nails that are falling off – and repair my muscles. It’s small and it’s a start).

Funny thing here is that as I sat to write my blog post, right beside me was lovely Carlie who was sampling grass fed gelatin by Organika. We had a nice chat and connected over our West coast love (she’s from there). I also have saved in my computer an application for brand ambassador for Organika so hey #hireme?


2) the “Two-Bite-Rule”: I wanted to add more protein to meals. I’m struggling with conceptualizing and counting how much in terms of numbers. Jenn doesn’t feel like this is even a good idea to do. Instead, I portion my meal based on intuition for what I think I need (must be careful here…) and then take two extra bites after I’m done. I feel like this is doable, and did it today yes!

3) eat when hungry, fuck my rules of mealtimes.  I used to only eat at specific times but it’s funny how now my what was once “6pm dinner” happened yesterday at like 3:55pm (thank you Justin❤️). To continue this intuitive trusting of my needs.

I mentioned that my tummy gets so upset, and she reassured that with proper nutrition and re-feeding, along will come gut harmony. There are more goals in the future that we plan to implement together in healing, but I’m starting with these because they’re manageable.

Just met a good friend who was so supportive of my recovery. Honestly, it means the world to me from all those rooting for me. And I’ll root for those recovering too. My future retreat centre is going to be pretty phenomenal!

Quick & Easy Mole Cauliflower Enchiladas with Roasted Garlic Cashew Cream (Vegan, Gluten Free) | Sprouted Routes

Will be serving stuff like this at my future retreat centre.

Other news: am seeing a dietitian for help tomorrow that I’ve not been receptive to for years. It’s going to suck. But she’s someone I can trust, being an athlete and understanding of Eating Disorders. Despite being a Nutritionist myself, I’m realizing that I really could benefit from having some perspective and expertise with my diet; disbitchhas habits n irrational eating patterns that keep me small and dis-eased. Ego aside, I wave the white flag #racism 🙃

I saw Jennifer back in uni years ago when I went to UWO. #ifwineisntlegalinmealplanigiveup 

This time, I’m choosing to let go of some control. I’m reading lots about the first step (of many) is to mechanically refeed so I can think rationally. Right now I can see areas of irrationality. Ya this is not going to be easy and I’m gritting my teeth but must surrender.

West Coast in 10 lbs? (And $5000 or something…)

We’ll be long Don, and still I rise

Give me trills from Sparrows And Woodpecker drills

Give me buzzing from humming birds, stilled over flowers 

Give me some two-pitched low-high loon calls

Give me dewy blades so I can dance on them with my toes

Give me fish-shit and composting leaves on lakes bottom

Give me rich bush, wealthy with tree trunks and whispers of Chaga

Give me my thumping heart, drumming against my chest saying I’m alive and sup’ bear

Ah, fuck it, give me a damn mosquito blood-suck on my ass

I’d rather a leech on my back than pay Government tax

Give me shook-walls from thunder

No power, but what’s ‘power’ in woods?

Does a bear cub ever think they’re too fat?

Give me solace in soft moss

Caressing my toes

A leaf to blow my nose

Take me where river flows

That’s power

Nature shows 

Trump vs Avalanche?

What would our Mother think?

Awareness

I came home from New Zealand with an awareness I couldn’t word of my need to heal. I’m starting to see Toronto’s facilitating purpose in this, because it’s a place I’m so uncomfortable living in, that it’s like the ultimate full-length mirror stopping me straight in my irrational lifestyle of dis-ease, nudging me- no, shoving me under headlights and smacking my cheeks silly. 
Get healthy, for yourself, and sit with your soundly grounded soul in loving trust. Listen, and then fly, sweetheart.

Wholefoods catering

I’m doing wholefoods private catering. I impulsively posted on Bunz, and got some interest. On one hand, yaddayadda it’s food-oriented so probs unideal for ED healing, but also it’s honestly a mind-break and a job that 1) feels good to be of service, keeps me busy, and 2) I actually get out of my mind and in a state of flow bc I get to express my creativity through r cope curating and flavour experimentation, and also 3) I make food that I’m challenging myself with

Long term, not ideal as a career choice of mine, but certainly good experience for my future retreat centre, and setting intentions to get bum to BC and up mountains and in lakes n stuff.

Also this no laptop thing is annoying- FWP, but phone autocorrects are hilarious I almost want to uncorrect them for the lols.

Here’s an example of some of the first orders:


The others left me too tired to take pics…le sigh.

Hire me? The food’s yum, right Cor? 

Ps have also restarted meditating and focusing on breath: these two vids are worth it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lb5L-VEm34&feature=share

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeiEUMrPXkE&feature=share

An Ode to Self-Love

Things I like about myself:
* my aptitude to make connections w people I meet

* My drive

* My knack for culinary experimentation 

* My immaturity 

* My maturity 

* My love & respect for nature 

* My damn good intuition 

* My pun skillz 

* My playfulness 

* My taste in music 

* My budding curiosity 

* How I sing

* My ignorance re: all things Trump

* My natural athletic strength 

* My extroversion 

* My introversion 

* My coffee and wine snobbery 

* My passion in helping others 

* My determination 

* My desire for self growth 

* My love of sharing 

* My inner wisdom, finding it

* My desire for learning: to listen, relax, love myself, heal, help, hack allthethings

* My Grind time and drive to beat it

You?

There’s no “aha” moment

Is there?

Don’t think so.

In recovery from Anorexia, I’m seeking guidance from other warriors who’ve battled, and I’m fascinated by seeing why we get this maladaptive coping mechanism, and how to heal from it. 

A reoccurring reply when I ask “how’d you do it?” lies in the concept of slowly, one step at a time, making tiny changes that compound to one day being like #lifesalrightandilovemyself (more- or am working on loving myself.)

I don’t believe in an “aha” moment.

I don’t think one single therapist is going to heal me.

I think it’s slow and it’s a moment to moment awakening to myself. 

Nature is helping a lot: it teaches so much:

Nature teaches us to slow down

Ask for what we need

Be present

Observe our surroundings 

Use our resources 

Use our intuition 

Use our energy mindfully 

Drop facades and strip away identity

Abide to our basic needs 

Quotes are greatnshit but they don’t hit hard like feelings do. I am fighting that damn voice that tells me to eat less, work more, suffer.

Naw brah I don’t need to suffer anymore, things can be easy.

What if I “try on” some buffer weight? This is maybe harmful to say- but I know how to stay skinny…so man if I don’t feel good I know I can change. The magic lies in the concept of self love that brings the healthy weight. The letting go (that got autocorrected to god…) of control and having more buffer to eat around people, share experiences, open my thought real-estate to other things than food preoccupation and exercise (like when I sat with my roomie and actually realized that I don’t mind hearing about her trip and the history of Portuguese culture!)

Suffer less 

Live more

One step at a time. 

One step closer to going out West.

One step closer to getting my period back.

One step closer to helping other people heal from this shit.

One step closer to beating my old Grind Time (cough cough 33:34…onlypostingformyownreminder notcockyatall willthisgetmemoretinderdates)

One love

Some gems of human beings

My future ideal retreat centre in wild outofcellphonerangezone

Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”