DatfkninnerDialogueTho…

“Helliptical” gym run gotmelike imletired but I wasn’t le hungry because breakfast was not restricted #greatsuccess

Biking home, inner dialogue:

ED: I don’t need to have the gelatine from yesterday’s goal because I can last till lunch.

Mel: n**** fuck da shi gurl what you sayin!?

ED: ya bitch, you can procrastinate till lunch, woman!

Mel: ima eat you for lunch…

ED: don’t do it right when you get home, you’re sweaty and yick it’s not ok to eat then.

(Fine…that part ‘won’)

Mel: but imma do it after shower.

ED: ya right

Mel: watch me (DID IT)

THANK YOU ORGANIKA, Justin, LEAH!!! Carlie, Lo, Marta, MegJenn, Jess, Mum, Dad, Jenni Schaefer, Sara, Corinne, Ellison,  Liz, Sarah, Kelsi, Jill, Emelie, Barb, Sadie, Lenore, Asha, Jacqui, and so many others but I’m foam rolling ATM so next post I’ll continue with my gratitude list bc it’s so long.

See you on the trails, soon!

My goals and support team fighting this rubbish, bless #Picasso

 

Recovery, one bite at a time

Today I had my appointment with my dietitian, and it was a call to healing. I didn’t think I could be receptive to the idea of getting help when I tried from parental obligations in the past years. Today, I chose it. I need to delegate some of the tasks and hand over control. It’s good.

I have three goals for this month:

1) after my workouts, taking a big spoonful immediately afterwards of Grass Fed Beef gelatine (it’s a “safe food” for me, nourishing, and protein rich. It’ll help me regrow my nails that are falling off – and repair my muscles. It’s small and it’s a start).

Funny thing here is that as I sat to write my blog post, right beside me was lovely Carlie who was sampling grass fed gelatin by Organika. We had a nice chat and connected over our West coast love (she’s from there). I also have saved in my computer an application for brand ambassador for Organika so hey #hireme?


2) the “Two-Bite-Rule”: I wanted to add more protein to meals. I’m struggling with conceptualizing and counting how much in terms of numbers. Jenn doesn’t feel like this is even a good idea to do. Instead, I portion my meal based on intuition for what I think I need (must be careful here…) and then take two extra bites after I’m done. I feel like this is doable, and did it today yes!

3) eat when hungry, fuck my rules of mealtimes.  I used to only eat at specific times but it’s funny how now my what was once “6pm dinner” happened yesterday at like 3:55pm (thank you Justin❤️). To continue this intuitive trusting of my needs.

I mentioned that my tummy gets so upset, and she reassured that with proper nutrition and re-feeding, along will come gut harmony. There are more goals in the future that we plan to implement together in healing, but I’m starting with these because they’re manageable.

Just met a good friend who was so supportive of my recovery. Honestly, it means the world to me from all those rooting for me. And I’ll root for those recovering too. My future retreat centre is going to be pretty phenomenal!

Quick & Easy Mole Cauliflower Enchiladas with Roasted Garlic Cashew Cream (Vegan, Gluten Free) | Sprouted Routes

Will be serving stuff like this at my future retreat centre.

Other news: am seeing a dietitian for help tomorrow that I’ve not been receptive to for years. It’s going to suck. But she’s someone I can trust, being an athlete and understanding of Eating Disorders. Despite being a Nutritionist myself, I’m realizing that I really could benefit from having some perspective and expertise with my diet; disbitchhas habits n irrational eating patterns that keep me small and dis-eased. Ego aside, I wave the white flag #racism 🙃

I saw Jennifer back in uni years ago when I went to UWO. #ifwineisntlegalinmealplanigiveup 

This time, I’m choosing to let go of some control. I’m reading lots about the first step (of many) is to mechanically refeed so I can think rationally. Right now I can see areas of irrationality. Ya this is not going to be easy and I’m gritting my teeth but must surrender.

West Coast in 10 lbs? (And $5000 or something…)

We’ll be long Don, and still I rise

Give me trills from Sparrows And Woodpecker drills

Give me buzzing from humming birds, stilled over flowers 

Give me some two-pitched low-high loon calls

Give me dewy blades so I can dance on them with my toes

Give me fish-shit and composting leaves on lakes bottom

Give me rich bush, wealthy with tree trunks and whispers of Chaga

Give me my thumping heart, drumming against my chest saying I’m alive and sup’ bear

Ah, fuck it, give me a damn mosquito blood-suck on my ass

I’d rather a leech on my back than pay Government tax

Give me shook-walls from thunder

No power, but what’s ‘power’ in woods?

Does a bear cub ever think they’re too fat?

Give me solace in soft moss

Caressing my toes

A leaf to blow my nose

Take me where river flows

That’s power

Nature shows 

Trump vs Avalanche?

What would our Mother think?

Awareness

I came home from New Zealand with an awareness I couldn’t word of my need to heal. I’m starting to see Toronto’s facilitating purpose in this, because it’s a place I’m so uncomfortable living in, that it’s like the ultimate full-length mirror stopping me straight in my irrational lifestyle of dis-ease, nudging me- no, shoving me under headlights and smacking my cheeks silly. 
Get healthy, for yourself, and sit with your soundly grounded soul in loving trust. Listen, and then fly, sweetheart.

Wholefoods catering

I’m doing wholefoods private catering. I impulsively posted on Bunz, and got some interest. On one hand, yaddayadda it’s food-oriented so probs unideal for ED healing, but also it’s honestly a mind-break and a job that 1) feels good to be of service, keeps me busy, and 2) I actually get out of my mind and in a state of flow bc I get to express my creativity through r cope curating and flavour experimentation, and also 3) I make food that I’m challenging myself with

Long term, not ideal as a career choice of mine, but certainly good experience for my future retreat centre, and setting intentions to get bum to BC and up mountains and in lakes n stuff.

Also this no laptop thing is annoying- FWP, but phone autocorrects are hilarious I almost want to uncorrect them for the lols.

Here’s an example of some of the first orders:


The others left me too tired to take pics…le sigh.

Hire me? The food’s yum, right Cor? 

Ps have also restarted meditating and focusing on breath: these two vids are worth it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lb5L-VEm34&feature=share

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeiEUMrPXkE&feature=share