I’m Moving to Victoria, BC! (and my nail is growing back) (and emotional eating workshop) shit that’s a lot

A couple of updates: I bought “by accident” a one-day ticket to Victoria, BC (where I’ve felt a damn calling for a loooooonnng time).

I’m hosting a workshop on Body Image and Emotional Eating on Sunday, Oct 15th at 1-2pm at TKVO on Dundas West, with my dear friend Deanne of My Empowered Body.

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I found a job posting on Facebook for a job that honestly hits me rightinthefeels for its fit for me.  I am sharing my application letter here, because it’s not only for this job, but for my calling in Life.  It’s a declaration of what I want to do with my life.  Rawr, here I go:

Job Description: The Organization: Providence Farm is a therapeutic farm nestled at the base of Mount Tzouhalem in the Cowichan Valley on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. Since 1979, the Vancouver Island Providence Community Association, a registered charity and non-profit society, has been operating creative and innovative programs at the Farm for adults in the Valley with mental health issues, brain injuries and development challenges. 

I am moving to Victoria, BC on November 30th, and am looking for meaningful work in my field.  I found your job posting on Facebook and am feverishly keen to apply.
I am a Certified Holistic Nutritionist from a New Zealand-based program, a Certified Yoga instructor from an India-based program, and hold my undergraduate degree in Kinesiology from the University of Western Ontario. I am an avid trail runner, and successful athlete.  I have a chronically green thumb, and am well knowledged in gardening from my blood-born generational teaching passed on from my Horticulturist father.  I am an endeavouring Holistic chef, and a warrior in mental health, having overcome Bulimia, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia Nervosa.
I am passionate about helping people, and have views in my future of a Holistic Wellness retreat centre, where nature plays an impactful role in healing.  This is one reason that your job posting hit my soul. I believe in the healing power of nature, and in having hands and feet in the earth.  The Japanese therapeutic practice of “Shinrin Yoku” or “forest bathing” is a practice I act on daily, and condone to all beings for a good life!  (This is a big reason for my move back out West, to continue facilitating my own healing.  To move to nature from the busyness and city life of Toronto where I am currently, and where I’ve grown up.)
I believe my purpose in life is to use the experiences I’ve had, along with my diverse education and knowledge gained to help facilitate people’s healing.
I’ve traveled extensively, often taking part in WWOOFING programs where permaculture is exchanged for room and board. I love this barter system and the wonderful people who I’ve met though it.  Benevolent souls are called to this realm of purpose, and I’ve been so grateful to be touched in my heart and my journey from many of them.
I’ve worked in many fields, from teaching yoga, Triathlon coaching, working at a cafe, competitive swim coaching, lifeguarding, working at a camp for kids with severe learning disabilities, to my own current endeavours at starting my own practice and business through Holistic Nutrition and life guidance.
I have an insatiable passion for self-study and development, especially around trauma-healing with regards to the psychological and physiological practices conducive of a healing practice.  In all of these positions, my passion has been deeply-cored in the one-on-one consultation aspect, and the emotional connection that is prevalent in all acts and is key to a healthy human being.  I integrate mind-body-soul techniques to bring awareness and mindfulness into everyday life, and to help people to reconnect with the present moment, and so, to themselves.
I feel as though our current society is flooded with overly-complicated and confounding consumption with distractions, and nature-soul-body connection is lost.  I believe my purpose in life is to help use my tools to catalyze healing in others.
I would be truly honoured to work alongside your team, and to have the opportunity to help others heal at Providence Farm.
I’ve attached my resume, and hope to hear from you.

(My resume is outdated, and I do apologize.  I have several postings and positions I’ve switched around and given the opportunity, I’d be thrilled to give more of my work experience).

I’m sharing this because it’s my statement to the universe, my pRoClAmAtIoN for my purpose.  May the “universe provide”, baby! #intentionsettingtingz

If anyone has any connections for work in this field out in themparts, please let a sis know, I am terrified and excited.  I’m ready to do my life’s purpose, or continue it.  I need a place to live, a good therapist for my emotional baggage (that can take me, I’ve been told before and now warn any therapist I see that I’m a tough cookie), and a jobskis.

So, since I bought my ticket, I’ve been fighting hard.  Honestly, I’ve been finishing meals NOT hungry. I’ve NOT been spending an hour in the bathroom after lunch waiting for my body to poop (an anxious reaction I am letting go of).  I’ve been wary of the external motivation for healing, but also am just renewed of my hope.  I am so excited for mountains, nature, people, to live.  I am letting go of the grip I’ve had around my own neck.  It feels like I can breathe, I’m starting to.
I just don’t give a shit anymore of the self-created struggle!
I am using the Eckharte Tolle technique of focusing on the presence of my hands, their simple presence, bringing attention to my body when my thoughts start spiralizing, and they always will.  Sometimes more than others, but feelings come and go like waves, right?  I’m accepting the highs and lows.
Yesterday, I swam, and the dude I’ve nicknamed “Thrasher look-a-like” was doggy-paddling in the FAST lane, and I swam into his heel–right in my (growing) BOOB slash pec and I’m pretty (frustratingly) fragile (styll) so, it hurt.  I was ANGRY.  I accepted the anger.  I talked to myself about it:
I’m angry. (what’s underneath this?)
I might not be able to swim tomorrow. (what’s underneath this?)
I’ll have to rearrange my training schedule when I already rode 2 days in a row and leggies are le tired…(what’s underneath this?)
I have to adapt, change from my expectations, let go of control. (what’s underneath this?)
I might have less of an intense workout.  I wanted to run on Saturday at the gym because my body is letting me run 30 mins on the dreadmill.(what’s underneath this?)
If my workout isn’t as good, then I am not in control.  I might not work as hard as I expect of myself. (what’s underneath this?)
I won’t feel as accomplished, as deserving. (what’s underneath this?)
THE FUCKING FACT THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO EARN, TO DESERVE SELF-CARE, SELF-LOVE, REST, FOOD! (WHAT’S UNDERNEATH THIS?!?!?!)
SELF LOVE ISN’T EARNED!  I DESERVE LOVE REGARDLESS!!!!! IDONTKNOWWHATWEREYELLINGABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
*****FOCUS ATTENTION ON THE PRESENCE OF MY PALMS OMMMMMM******
SO: this was the self-talk.  The intenseshits about this was that I finished lunch full – and after lunch, I was wiping the table and felt a tweak in the “boob”/pec.  A muscle niggle that was paining.  THIS made me angry.  I was angry because I was FULL AND I was angry.
Holy shit.
When I under-nourish, I am OK with feelings – anger doesn’t phase me as much.  It NUMBS.  It blunts the blow.  WAWAWEEWA.  My roommate put it this way: it’s almost like a competing pain, like, when you have a broken foot – your splinter doesn’t hurt as much.  Right?  Again, it’s an addictive coping mechanisms to numb feelings.
So instead, I sat with it.  
I didn’t like it, and today on my run, I felt constipated and crampy.  The feeling was stuck.  I am learning to process the feelings.  It’s new, it’s a process, and it’s the start.
I saw my WICKED physician yesterday way in the East end, and I have to say, she gives me hope for healthcare.  I love holistic healing and Eastern Medicine, and I also have opened my acceptance and appreciation for the healing power of Western Medicine too.  All are tools, to use sometimes, and others, other times.  Nothing is definite, nothing is permanent.
I ordered bloodwork and she PROPS’D me for this:
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This is a vulnerable one.
You know where that nail used to end? At my cuticle…That’s malnutrition…and I’m fighting it.  My nail is growing back.
Nuff said.
Please consider coming to my workshop if you feel called, it’ll be honest, it’ll be supporting, expressive, good juju.
Happy ThanksLiving!

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