I’ve been told that I look “stronger” and that I have gained some weight and look better.
These are great things. My mind thinks otherwise though. So many thoughts go through my head:
- I now must be able to train really hard (but am still injured)
- I still have some of my habits going – and if I am gaining weight, then I should instantly let go of them and have an untethered life (meal stringency, control over all things – I feel like now my whole concept that I condone of “living intuitively” should happen instantaneously)
- When will it stop? What am I going to become? What will I feel like when I no longer have my life preoccupied over my habits, routines?
- If I have more free space, what the hell do I do?
I want to continue observing these thoughts and choosing to heal anyways.
I want to trust that things take time, I ran for the first time in a month this past Saturday, 3.75km, 17 mins, and I stopped before I felt that I wanted to. I did my walking loop, and it felt empowering to stop before my mind wanted to. I am going to be getting back slowly. Slower than comfortable. I want to work on strength, my one-legged squats, “one-legged lateral BOSU ball hops”, ankle mobility, etc. I need to get my body ready for trails. And the fact that I’ve gained weight doesn’t mean that I’m like 100% able to go on long-ass trail runs now. My fascia and tendons will need time to become adjusted, to feel recovery.
I’m sitting at a cafe now and so glad I bumped into a friend of mine who has also battled. She told me that she still has these thoughts, but she trusts that they’re fleeting, that this too shall pass.
I am looking forward to being capable:
I have to remind myself that if I am so present with myself in the moments of my life, then I trust that I will listen to my needs, and deny the hurt from myself. I don’t feel like my soul will lead me astray.
I won’t become a “whale”.
I know that to do what I want to do, to live the life I want to live, the body I’ve sculpted as a byproduct of my coping mechanisms won’t be able to handle it. I know that my muscles, fascia, bones and blood won’t be able to traverse all the rugged terrain, all the fallen logs, all the boulders that I want to catapult myself over. In the state that I’ve been in, if I tripped, I could easily and instantly break a hip. My soft tissue wouldn’t be supple enough to allow my limbs to soar, they’d taught and tight and constrict. I’m sick of foam rolling (PVC pipe) for an hour a day only to not be in pain. And my training load doesn’t merit the amount of strain my body feels. Food is wicked recovery. I want to remember this when the shit voice comes in.
I want my mind to have the fuel for my being not to be in a fight or flight mode which restriction ensues. I had a private swim coaching client this AM, and I actually had the mind stamina to be able to use my wicked skills that I innately have, to analyse her stroke and tell her how to improve. These analytical tools are lost when I’m undernourished. There’s straight up no fuel for the synapse of neurons to THINK.
I have to be aware of my stress load for this shit. I have been tracking my stress via Logit AI Logit AI from a good friend of mine. I highly recommend you check it out. It’s an app that quantifies stress.
Stress is pretty much an invisible illness – and the notion of Allostatic load (I talk about this in my upcoming e-booklet “Fuck Diets- 10 ways to Stress Less, and Weigh Healthy”).
Allostatic Load of Stress: the body doesn’t differentiate between different stressors. Be it the load of an ill family member, the physical load of athletic training, or the fact that you’re anxious over what to eat for dinner; the body only registers this as threat, and engages in the fight or flight reaction.
Basically, the Logit App prompts a questionnaire daily that with time, you can grasp a relative gage of your stress levels. I’m bringing this up now, because despite being sick with a gnarly cold, and getting shit sleeps because I’m moving to British Columbia in 24 days (without a job or home yet), and a loud grenouille living above me…. my state of mind has been spot on sweet like gravy. It’s actually surprising me. I feel much less stressed, and the numbers show it, the “proof is in the pudding”. (my logit scores are in a pic below).
Even my shits are better #jahbless
It’s actually kinda blowing my mind, first: how useful this app has been, and I’m not even one to log shit. I don’t really love data, online apps for things the body is innately born to calibrate….but the accountability, and the ability to consistently track how I feel, it’s helped me see the benefits of lowering my stress, and I definitely need this to get my period back and beat Hypothalamic Amenorrhea. It keeps me in line, motivated, true to the ultimate goal. The fact that the data is relative based on my previous logs (after about a week, you get the hang of it, and get more accurate data – the more you log, the more accurate your outcomes are) is a good feedback loop for motivation. If it was based on other people’s cues, I would truly be less inclined to log. But it’s basically a relative reflection based on my own feelings, my own stress, my own perceived cortisol load.
SO, in spite of being sick and tired, my spirits are great. I am so grateful for this feedback while I observe myself “getting stronger” (gaining weight), and am wondering if the fact that my cortisol is lower (be it from my mindset of “fuck this shit”, like, letting go of control) is a reason for my coping mechanisms (Anorexia, restriction) to lessen their stronghold because I am no longer putting myself in the line of fire for needing to be in a “survival mode” state, or a state of desperation.
Here are my numbers:
Some of the daily questions include my perceived ability to:
- Get annoyed
- Find things overwhelming
- Feel capable to completing tasks
- Feel under pressure
- Laugh/have fun with friends (like when my swim student swam backstroke into an old Portuguese man this AM…and like, stroked his [hairy…very hairy] back hahahh…poor woman).
My answers have surprised me in being on the healthy side of life, less suffering, more feeling good. I feel good in spite of gaining weight (HA, my mind wants not to feel good, even while typing this, but physiologically, this is a really influential marker for recovery – mental, spiritual, physical, emotional).
On this note, that’s my update, I’ll continue getting STRONGER, fuck diets, and listen to my own tips from my e-book. I actually am loving referring back to them when I feel stuck in life, they’re damn good. Stay tuned for the launch!