Body Language

IMG-8634.PNG

Listen to the whispers, or you’ll be forced to abide by the screams.

I (brilliantly ūüėČ ) came up with this quote one day while hiking Quarry Rock in Vancouver with a friend who’d had a stress fracture and was contemplating running a 50km race on it…It came from a deep place inside of myself of experience. ¬†It’s a lesson I’m still learning: ¬†that of doing less, and stopping when we hear niggles of intuition. ¬†

I’m realizing that “pushing through” doesn’t work: it catches up with us. ¬†I pushed through a lot in the past little while, under the desperation of intending to train and maintain fitness through my body fighting to overcome Hypothalamic Amenorrhea¬†.

I’ve biked though pain, woken up through hunger,
pushed,
endured,
“sucked-it-up”
HTFU (Rule #5)

and my body has been like,

bitch please

With personality types that crave¬†engagement, feeling, intensity:¬†the fine line between pushing though¬†laziness,¬†or¬†actual pain,¬†is pretty distinct. ¬†My mind tries to fool me into saying “you’re lazy”¬†but my body definitely speaks loudly, and I often ignore it.

Well, there’s no ignoring a (most likely) fractured rib (turned down the x-ray to save myself the radiation exposure, from Physician who said it would’t do much for treatment protocol). ¬†Yesterday, after trying to “rest” by speed walking (because it’s the only exercise I was able to do without extreme pain) 12kms a day….my rib had enough and I waved the white flag to go to the Emergency room in the hospital. ¬†Rib treatments are always the same regardless of sprain, strain, fracture, break: rest. ¬†But my intent was to get drugs, something I never do – I didn’t even take Gravol when I had food poisoning and felt like I was being beaten up while on the Cyclone…(fun ride tho, hey?).

grandma rollercoaster.gif

So this pain had me in fetal, cringing, unable to breathe without excruciating pain, and wanting relief.

I ended up taking a CBD tincture which was more ideal than an NSAID anti-inflammatory med, and it helped heaps. ¬† I could actually breathe and crack (no pun intended…) a few jokes to the nurses.

I’m so grateful for my good friend, Corinne who picked me up, and stood by me along with my Dad the whole time in the hospital. ¬†She’s truly a gift, as is my Dad. (thanks for introducing me to Snapchat, so fun!).

IMG-8804.JPG

So I am in a state of non-doing (like, literally house-ridden…maybe cafe bc #coffee). ¬†I really want to learn from this, and understand that:

Don’t wait for a storm to rebuild your roof.

Because honestly, you really can’t “trick” your body, “fool” yourself into thinking everything is “fine” (such a bullshit word), that we can “get away” with ___________ this time. ¬†It comes back and bites us in the ass, no?

I want to learn to catch myself in the amber zone before it turns flaming red, and I want to help other do the same by living it. ¬†Because “pushing though” helps no one, and only harms myself, and those who I could potentially help in my life’s purpose.

Feel me? ¬†Let’s tune in, hey?

2 thoughts on “Body Language

  1. A 50k on a stress fracture…I just wonder how we get to a situation where that’s an actual valid option. No judgement- I have definitely ran on pain that turned out to be a stress fracture a few times, knowing that’s what it was, but just wanting to get one more run in before that thing sidelined me for months. Which they do if you keep running on them, but when you stop for a couple of weeks before they get bad, you heal up so quick! I think all this comes from an intense desire to negate our physicality because we have so much trouble liking it- by denying the existence of pain or hunger, we are maybe trying to ascend above the trappings of our bodies, to actually escape it, in the hope we’ll feel better. But it doesn’t work like that, rather than run away from our physical bodies, we have to unite the whole. Easier said than done. By listening to your body, you’re making steps towards that!

    • Oh sweet Eimear,

      Thank you for your insight, I read it slowly and felt it. You’re right, the denying existence of pain/hunger/feelings – we attempt escape. We conditionally accept ourselves. Sitting with being stripped of this numbing cover is vulnerable and scary, and it’s The Work. The other work is applying moderation. I feel like either extreme is the easy way out; but to finish a run “less than” what we deem “acceptable” according to the paradigm of self-harm we’ve lived by, now THAT is hard shit. Moderation, right? The balance. My body is responding well, or I am responding well to my body in rest. It’s a glimpse of symbioticism, what true soul runners live by, the blissful dance of harmony, because in the end, “fuck the struggle”.
      Love,
      Mel

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s