S’Ho moved to Squamish. I feel much better here than on the island. It’s a different vibe here. It was a really easy transition minus the actual move: I just truly put the intention out there, and a lovely little suite of my own surfaced. It was right.
I’m in a space of working with compassion. Compassion for parts of me that trauma has led to feel really unsafe. Somatic Experiencing is the therapy I’m doing which is basically a way for me to slowly reconnect with the parts of myself that I basically unplugged from the umbilical cord of my own prana, my own life force energy.
You know when you’re in just like, a haze of feels, and can’t find a release? Man it’s tough; the face of the Human Condition. Somatic Experiencing is a therapy modality that recognizes that through trauma, the young parts of ourselves that experienced the pain that was too much for our current coping abilities at that time in our lives, those parts learn to cope through fight, freeze or flight, so that they are able to survive. They cannot handle the stimulation because it feels like a threat to survival, so they build an armour around those parts to shield, to blunt the blow.
I realized that the state of utter terror that I felt growing up, I still feel that during everyday life. It was a big realization, not one for words. It’s been a journey with the therapy, to experience a state of functioning that wasn’t the modality of terror; and in that space I could come outside of my habitual state of functioning to see just how frightened and threatened those parts of me still feel. They still feel very threatened, and haven’t been taught how to feel safe and nurtured in the world. The somatic, the bodily feeling that I was able to see outside of myself was a feeling like I was going to be beaten, physically, it was terrifying and terribly insightful. WHOA.
They have begun to relearn how to feel safe in the world, this is what I’m teaching them, teaching parts of myself. It doesn’t work to “suck it up” and “just do the things” that terrify me, and to name a few;
- abiding by authority
- time constraints
The way my little soldiers fight back when threatened show in the following fight/flight/flee ways;
- skin picking
- terrible gut pains and digestion
- restriction of food
- restriction of nurturing (in all senses of the world)
- somatically by thumping heart
- mean self-talk
- rushing like a chicken without a head
So this therapy is to begin by identifying when these soldiers are mobilizing; basically anytime the above presents itself. Those are survival-mode soldiers. The process is slow AF. And it’s supposed to be. Because the moment I go too fast for my parts to feel safe, they latch onto a coping strategy. This is where a quote sums this shit up eloquently:
I don’t “let go” of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding, and then my thoughts “let go” of me. – Byron Katie
Beautiful description. An explanation of why “ripping the bandaid off” won’t work.
I often forget why I’m changing, though, because this way of life has become so normal and change is fucking hard. And parodies have showed up to reinforce the need for this shift; the need to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system– the relaxation response (that sweet spot that basically initiates our own knowledge of how to heal ourselves);
(in jot dots because Ho’s tired):
- in physio for alignment while running; tight hip, tight glute, literally stemming from tension and stress where I am not belly-breathing, such that a rib isn’t aligned in my thoracic/lumbar spine area. why breathe deep? whoa this is why…body is so wise.
- gut health: shits on run, shits all damn day, gut = second brain = depression and incomplete poops. worst. feeling. ever #amirighttho? Relax, tune into my soul; make different food choices, or at least begin by watching and observing my choices and how they’re affecting my body. Further than that- when eating in a relaxed state, food can actually digest better.
- Cramp on run: alltheabove
So the body is telling me and I’m actually beginning to watch myself, and am slowly actually becoming open and even able to feel that I want to relax. This is so new. Some things I’m doing:
- child’s pose
- letting my belly go out to breathe
- unstructured meditation nightly
- legs up the wall (did this once, forces body to belly breathe literally because the chest and shoulder muscles aren’t physically able to fire)
- physio to flex at hip while breathing with full belly breaths, which actually disinhibits the response of my hip flexor firing in place of my glute
Ok, that’s it.