When do you experience these?
- high heart rate
- thinking about the next thing to do
- frenzied rushing
- furrowed brow
- night sweats
- “stuck” breathing
- frequent peeing
- immobilization, feeling like you’re moving through a barricade of peanut butter
- picking your nails, skin, scalp, toes, body
I feel these things daily. I have become normalized to them. Habituated to the extent that I seek them out, and feel very uncomfortable if I am comfortable.
This brings comfortably numb to a whole new level.
I honestly believe that along the lines of survival coping through trauma, my mind has created and implemented ways to disconnect from presence (from myself) so that I could continue surviving. Past-trauma-shit.
These states listed above serve to disconnect me further, keep me numb. When last week my body said “NO” in halting me with an ingrown toenail so painful that I had been taking advil nightly and resorted to antibiotics due to infection after a month of sleepless cold-sweats and throbbing, I was so full of feelings that I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do, and so I am still waking up to do a bike ride then a hike after breakfast every single day.
I further it with now for the past 3 Squamish Chief hikes, timing myself from the start of the stairs to the metal staircase before the summit (34mins/ 31:45/ 30:34 <– #hadmelike holy fuck.). It’s a catch-22 because there’s ying and yang to it; after the yang of the hike, I can exhale at the top of the Chief and cry a little as I observe, just observe the world up there.
orendawellness May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. May your rivers flow without end, meandering through pastoral valleys tinkling with bells, past temples and castles and poets towers into a dark primeval forest where tigers belch and monkeys howl, through miasmal and mysterious swamps and down into a desert of red rock, blue mesas, domes and pinnacles and grottos of endless stone, and down again into a deep vast ancient unknown chasm where bars of sunlight blaze on profiled cliffs, where deer walk across the white sand beaches, where storms come and go as lightning clangs upon the high crags, where something strange and more beautiful and more full of wonder than your deepest dreams waits for you — beyond that next turning of the canyon walls.
– Edward Abbey
And so, it’s tough because I haven’t had my period due to Hypothalamic Amenorrhea for 12 years. Because my body is protecting itself for life because my stress and cortisol level allostatically is too high such that it attempts to preserve physiological functions to minimize peripheral energy, and the risk of bringing a child into an unsafe and subjectively perceived, threatening environment.
Also fuck: gut-brain connection is reflected in me being 3-days off the high dose of antibiotics now for my toe, and I’m pooping like 10x a day…this is bullshit. Literally and figuratively. I’m taking a high dose of probiotics now, but feel the effects of a sad gut microbiome as it depletedly, defeatedly attempts to digest food. Maybe my life brought me to this to learn to adapt and listen to what my body is actually craving in terms of nourishment; maybe Ho can’t do all those Brussels sprouts anymore….time for Sattvic dal? But aha, the stress addiction cycles because again, part of me doesn’t want calm-inducing foods – it craves the coffee, the acidic, the olives salsa wasabi Sriracha etc. Whoa.
Where to go from here?
I feel like I’ve been aware for so long, but theory only takes a body so far. Then to feel, holy shit, to feel, that’s a whole new kind of Next Level Shit.
Anyone feel me?