A Case Against Positivity

life sucks

Hear me out.

I overheard a girl talking to her two friends on the way down from the Chief a couple of days ago saying:

“I’m really trying to be more positive in life and look at the bright side of things.”

There were excited mini-cheers of endearment and support following from her buds.
Which is cool n stuff…truly, if you’re at a place in your life where equanimity floods your daily conduct, and Muggle things like getting eggshells out of your scramble leaves you unphased, or running through the pissing rain has you all “extra shower”, or your roommate’s bass from their music upstairs (why is it ever OK to listen to Pit Bull okhmmm?) then (*cough cough Buddha) you’ve past some lifetimes and #jahbless.  But this is a case for being Human and understanding that the only way out is through.

Enter the concept: spiritual bypassing.  Basically, this is when we try to act as if we’re already where we want to be in life, without taking the truck through shit to get there.

This is not a negative striving though, truly, it’s actually pretty damn (not darn, never darn, sweet Jesus) beautiful.  The fact that we really genuinely want to be the best people we can be as quickly as possible is lovely.  The problem is that the very experience of human states and accepting our annoying complaints without superimposing rainbows and butterflies into our life is what leads eventually to that learned lesson in life.  When we go through the acceptance, the ability to let go of Life’s little annoyances I think eventually lets go of us.  Because the thing is, maybe we can teach ourselves to plaster a smile on our faces whenever we feel a frown, and conditionally impose the stimulus-response Pavlovian science on our human habits, but for how long? How long before we see a puppy shit on our newly planted vegetable garden and just lose it? Before Pit Pull comes on in the checkout line when we’re hangry and our blood curls and we take it out on a loved one when we get home after seeing that dinner’s not prepared as was promised?

My point is that I believe if we are on the path to self-betterment, then naturally we will want to achieve what we aspire towards.  Of course, ideally, I really wish that I wouldn’t get to frustrated when my gut is fucked up (STILL) from antibiotics and I’m shitting like 10x/day.  Of course maybe you don’t want to feel anger running through you when you hear yet another vegan rave about cashew cheese or zoodles (is that just me?), or when your latte tastes burnt, or your yoga class is cancelled, or or or or…but fuck, we feel those things though, don’t we?  Is it really our faults we came to this earth, learned our behaviours, got shit passed down from neurological pathways and evolutionary tendencies for survival of the fittest such that our minds are wired to be little pieces of shit?

Nope.

So, I stopped the group of friends on they way down and 1.5x podcast speeded through the above to them (thanks for not telling me to fuck-off), and they were like “Whoa, true, hey?”

I honestly trust that there’s a process we go through to get to where we want to be, how we want to feel.

I don’t let go of my thoughts.  I meet them with understanding, and then my thoughts let go of me.

–  Byron Katie

So, I’m choosing to acknowledge the suck.  I choose to accept that I feel pissed right the fuck off sometimes, and others, maybe pissed a little the merde ouf.  Either way, I feel it, name it (powerful practice to name the emotion–creates a distance from living it, and observing it.  With this space, we can see it pass through us and not embody us), accept it.  That’s step one.

I think if I tried to just press fast-forward, I would end up exploding and throughout the process, most likely indulge in more coping mechanisms to dissipate the excess “scabbing” that takes place to bottle-neck the emotions.

e-motion: energy in motion.

A.K.A. that shit has gotta move.  Somewhere.  So avoiding it just traps it.  Facing it is bloody bold and courageous.  Feeling the feeling, and acknowledging it is both empowering and admirable.  If we simply express the anger without acknowledging it, then we are no more awake that were we to superimpose happiness on shitty situation.  So the golden formula is:

Feeling + Acknowledging = Growth

The whole point of spirituality is connecting more deeply with ourselves.  And what better way than to let ourselves feel.  After all, truly, our soul genuinely is love, and with compassionate understanding, the shit will eventually brush off of us, and with gentle insight and inquiry into our feelings, we’ll uncover what’s beneath them.

Something like that.

Namaste, mother lovers.

Ps. If you haven’t yet listened to Iliza Shlesinger saythatfivetimesfast then you have so much room for activities!

Rib Fractures Suck

It’s been 12 days since I’ve done any physical activity apart from (slowly) walking, and I just started doing some squattings.

This is HARD.  I’ve taken training breaks before from injury, but never been THIS incapacitated.  In the past, I’ve been able to do some strength work, but this is HARD.

Yesterday, I met with a strong group of my close friends as a goodbye before I leave on Thursday to live my life out in British Columbia.  It was absolutely incredible.

The sweetest part of viewing the blessings of the family you choose, aka, your friends, is that with whom we surround ourselves, are a direct reflection of us.

So maybs I’m self-horn-tooting, but like, that means we’re all just really damn cool people!

I took a second while we were all sitting together cozy like in a cafe, to look and observe at the scene:Steve-Carell-Smile-Crying.gif

And thought how grateful I was to have all these phenomenal human beings in my life.  I don’t usually do gatherings like this, I don’t often celebrate my birthday with friends.  But I really wanted to have a goodbye to the close people who are always with me wherever I go.

It was incredible.  Thank you all.

We talked the beauty of nature, and they were so supportive and loving of how they felt I belonged in the woods #wherenoonehearsmyfartsbutthetrees

Screen shot 2017-11-26 at 8.31.10 AM

I cannot wait to be in nature.  I forgot how much I’ve missed and needed it.  It’s been so long since I’ve been humbled by rugged trail and peace.  Toronto is loud and busy.

My rib is healing slow.  In this time, my mental strength is being tested, as well as my intuition.  I’m learning to hear my body, and live presently so that I can honour my needs.  As I’ve not trained in so long, it is a tricky time often to hear the restrictive voice of my mind with my old coping, and tell it to STFU.  Honestly, fuck the weight, fuck the struggle.  I don’t have energy enough to care for restriction and a half ass-life.

Nature, being out there, really puts the present moment in focus.  It takes away the mindgames we play, and puts real life right here and now.  There’s no time or space for restriction.  The body is totally our conduit for the experience, and is must be honoured or else, no experience.  Simple as that!

I’m eating and fuck it, I am getting healthy, in rest, and my body has done this for a reason.  The body always communicates with us.  Right now, it’s telling me to chill.  I’ve actually started watching Netflix for the first time (thank you Corinne).

I miss feeling physically strong, truly.  I feel at loss.  I won’t jeopardize my healing before I leave on Thursday (Nov 30th) to my new life out west.  The mountains are waiting for me, and I’ll climb em soon enough.  But right now, I chill, heal, rest.

Walking the Walk

Screen shot 2017-11-16 at 9.57.05 AM

This is Emelie Forsberg, love her, epic trail runner (currently dating my future husband, Kilian Jornet….just keeping him safenstuff for when I’m ready ;)).  I love her for many reasons, among which this quote:“Eat what you want. But learn a little about nutrition that will make you eat sustainably and healthy!”
In the end, she says it’s about feeding your soul. “Don’t read ‘weight-loss’ or ‘get these abs’ or ‘how you get this skinny’ articles,” she says.
“Love your hips, breasts, butt and belly,” she concludes. “The fat keeps you warm. And healthy.”

Read more at http://running.competitor.com/2015/11/news/emelie-forsberg-a-world-class-athlete-with-a-balanced-approach-about-food-weight-and-her-body_139891#2VyMxXW56vrtA63e.99  

Our bodies are wise.  When we don’t listen to them, the speak loud.

Realization: I had a gnarly cold, and didn’t take a day off working out, through horking (againandagainandagain #thisiswhyimsingle) on my rides and snot rocketing #likeapro on my runs through a migraine and coughing and straight up feeling like shit.  

My body knew, just like the philosophy of karma, and that we don’t ever fool our bodies: now, that stress has manifested in a breaking point, and any breaking point would come – in that of blowing my nose so hard I’ve tweaked my rib.  No core, no training, walking and breathing.

That’s so important though; learning in the now, tuning in momentarily to our bodies in order to avoid the cumulative dump of allthefeels at one time sooner or later.

So I’ve read a lot about how during Hypothalamic Amenorrhea recovery, women find that their bodies feel so drained, that waking up in the morning is a struggle.  I feel like it’s a combination of things;

  • finally allowing feelings (and realizing how badly we’ve ignored them)
  • allostatic stress load dump being all: “You didn’t listen for SO long!”
  • The body taking charge and having enough, and choosing Life over death (literally)

There’s merit in the idea of restorative, replenishing, re-re-re, you know?  I used to eye-roll at those yoga classes that were so damn slow, and how I couldn’t imagine sitting through one.  But honestly, one of my favourite quotes is:

Don’t wait for a storm to rebuild your roof.

This applies to the idea of mindful tuning in so that were not stuck in a pile of shit.  Tuning in even when we don’t feel such a need.  We are a generation of sensationalists: we crave intense feeling in order to justify stimulus.  

We crave: more, bigger, better, stronger, spicier, louder.

I think we’ve (I have anyways) desensitized ourselves so much, numbed ourselves, distracted ourselves so much that it takes a huge BANGBANG stimulus to engage in registration of feelings;

  • newer faster phone
  • louder ring-tone
  • louder alarm clock
  • sriracha on sriracha on franks on tabasco
  • 12/10
  • aerobic zone, like, 8…
  • HTFU Rule #5 Velominati to the power of “n”

And when is it enough?  When can we go back to unconditional sufficiency?
Answer: RN. (not registered nurse….RIGHT MEOW NOW RAWR!)

mindful eating love.pngSo, right now, I’m sitting on my bed, reading about what I’ll be making a workshop on when I go out to BC (or now)…post walk with a tea.  I’m injured, and I’m resting, and for this moment, I’m OK.  I know my mind will come back and kick me, but I’ll bitethatdamnVegan….and then eat Rabbit for dins (lol what?! I have ground rabbit in my fridge that I defrosted from Angela Wood, fam friend Chef guru woman…kinda excited to try…although they’re so cute…but like…*****gottaneat!).

Image result for bird shits on car eat eggs
Stay with me, stay with yourself, even for 5 seconds, that’s a damn good start.

Take a Step Back

Taking a step back from the monkey mind and stepping out of the cycle of struggle brings huge insight.

Image result for meme take a step back

This morning had me waking up before my alarm, in parallelled anxiety over my training.  I’ve strained my rib probably hard enough to go to the doctor to get an x-ray, but equally pointless because the treatment for any rib injury (break, strain, fracture, sprain) is the same: rest.

I strained my rib from blowing my nose too enthusiastically, apparently…my cold left me phlegmy, and my inability to sit with the discomfort of feeling like there’s a tiny pug napping while slowly sliding down the back of my throat had me blowing and blowing and blowing my nose.  So my back seized up after a strain I’m self-diagnosing from my over-active diaphragm.

The inability to sit with discomfort is a never ending cycle – until I choose to end it.  I challenged the phlegm, and I’m not challenging this rib pain now.  I ran and biked through it yesterday, and suffered.  Breathing hurts.  So this morning, I didn’t push through a swim, that wouldn’t be enjoyed, for zero training gains.

Allostatic Load of Stress:  This means that the cortisol I’d produce by stressing over the pain, paired with attempting to swim in a way to avoid the pain, would negate any training benefits I would gain from actually doing my training session in the pool.

So in taking a step back, in breaking the cycle of my mind’s compulsion of unhealthy habits with stress addiction, I was able to see the wisdom I had all along.  The wisdom inside myself got clouded by my mind games of:

  • not good enough
  • only good when ______
  • badge of honour with stress
  • stress addiction

Image result for meme take a step back

Breathing helped (shallow…bc #ribpaintingz), by honestly putting my hand on my heart and feeling what my body needed, not what habits I’d accustomed myself to through years of body dishonouring.

And where has that body dishonouring got me?

Injured.
Sick.
Miserable.
Stuck in a pattern.
NOT helping others because I WASN’T living “my truth” or the truth that I condone.

So, I ate breakfast, showered, went for a walk, visited my grampa.

Now, I’m sharing this insight, of the power in taking a step back to view the situation.  I’m meeting with a friend who’s helping me with my move out to British Columbia, and I’m speaking with a mentor from my Holistic Nutrition school in New Zealand, a fellow Canadian, and wicked smart woman Michelle Yandle of Michelle Yandle Nutrition for guidance as I continue on my journey as a Wellness Practitioner.  I’m so keen to help others through the insight I’ve gained with my own struggles, and what I’ve trained in.  I’m also looking for tools from other successful practitioners like Michelle, who’s helped many people not so much through the actual food aspect of Holistic Health, but the encompassing triggers and emotional baggage and meaning behind the food.  THAT is The Shit.

Have a sweet day,  I’m going to be present as fuck, because the monkey mind comes back with thought suggestions, but I’m going to watch them and choose from a space of wisdom with big picture intention tingz.

Also….I love this song:

A “Human” Professional

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-3-18-42-pm

Hi, my name is Melanie, and I’m a recovered Bulimic, and recovering Anorexia Nervosa monkey-minded human being.
I’ve sat with crippling depression, anxiety, and taken laxatives while scared shitless of the idea of imperfection.
I’ve run trails in a healthy state, and I’ve also gone to morning swim practice in Uni while probs still drunk from the bar having come home a couple hours before.
I’ve aced papers, and I’ve also retaken courses.
I’ve googled ways to purge, tried many, and I’ve searched the shit out of the internet about how to heal.
I’ve gone to India to become a certified Yoga instructor, and I’ve pranayama’d the shit out of datstuff.
I’ve traveled across the world to New Zealand and am now a certified Holistic Nutritionist.
I’ve been a vegetarian, I’ve done Paleo, I’ve hashtagged #lchf like it’s going out of style, and I’ve been a devout “I Quit Sugar” spokesperson.
I’ve gone from eating full tubs of sugar-free/fat-free yogurts with 8 packets of TwinSugar in one sitting, to beef jerky.
I’ve found that food isn’t as important as the emotions behind it, and that sugar is OK.
My beliefs have changed more times than pugs fart (and they fart a lot….#teamantipugs).
I’ve learned that you can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself you can love, and that you can’t find yourself in New Zealand, or anywhere other than inside yourself, for that matter.
I’ve learned that happiness has no correlation to your pants size, bra size, or bathing suit size.
I’ve learned that being present is the most important part of life, and that awareness brings solace in darkest of times.
I’ve observed myself self-numbing, escaping, and also sitting right with pain; a bloated belly post-binge, an emotional smack in the face after a sexual abuse, a stress fracture from literally running away from myself.
I’ve honoured and dishonoured myself, and I’ve fluxed the shit out of life.
And through it all, I am exactly where I am today, flawed as ever, and loving myself anyways and always.

No one is perfect, and no one will ever be a “certified perfect professional”, in my humble opinion.

I’m certainly not, and this by no means takes away from the ability for someone to have a gift to help, myself, or anyone else.  In fact, the warriors with battle wounds, healed and healing are the ones I connect with and trust the most.

I’ve been afraid of sharing my story lately, uncensored, because of the stigma of mental health shame, and the thought of being unhirable in flaw.

Fuck.
That.
Shit.

This is me, there’s you, let’s do this shift.

2:57AM Le Hungry

Sometimes hunger doesn’t come in pangs of stomach notifications, like waking up with a headache and some intuition saying “eat”. I went to bed after being too tired to expend the honestly exhausting energy #tuningin to see if I was full after eating a snack. Maybe this is where the core cause is #lettinggo of the need to be “perfectly” sated. I honestly think I was so tired of the mind games, paired with being end-of-day-wiped, that I was just in a #fuckit place and hit the pillow, not feeling like living up to my own standards of eating “just right”.

That was another form of escapist-numbing, I now see. And also of rubbish high standards of perfectionist ways. Well, I’m eating now, and it’s a learning lesson that “perfect” is bullshit. And even in this imperfection there’s beauty of self-discovery and awareness.

Awareness is key.

Also: yes, I genuinely enjoy Brussels sprouts. #maybethisiswhyimsingle

You are what you love not what loves you


Everything is more complicated than you think.

You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose.

But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you’ll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create.

Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second.

Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along.

Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved.

Charlie Kaufman, Synecdoche, New York: The Shooting Script

Prioritizing Feelings

There are many things in my life that I am (wanting to) chang(ing).

  • Better health
  • Stronger body
  • Self-love
  • Environment
  • Man
  • Career

And I’ve been focusing on these.  I am realizing that by focusing on what I want, I’m living in a state of being insufficient as I am.

Truth is, I’m, we’re, already complete, right now.  When I look at the list of what I want and where I want to go, I’m living in this state, this feeling of lack.  I’m living in a state of non-presence (either pining for what I had, or looking forward into the future for what I want).  This is taking away the power of my now.

I am learning to prioritize how I want to feel.  Instead of taking on the feelings of; lack, insufficient, sick, weak, lonely, hurt, useless, I look to feel what Danielle Laporte calls “core desired feelings”.

When I have my heart set on feelings that I want to embody, I’ll unblock myself from the “lack, insufficient, sick, weak, lonely, hurt, useless” that is serving to keep me exactly where I am at: a state of tired, sleepy, weak, lost.

So, my core desired feels:

  • Strong
  • Purposeful
  • Helpful
  • Calm
  • Beautiful
  • Compassionate
  • Creative
  • Intuitive
  • Funny
  • Light

I much prefer this list.

I feel that these emotions will flow into the goals I wrote above, but the feelings before that have no tie to this.  It’s like the quote that stripped me of my coping through Bulimia;

You can’t hate yourself into a version of you that you can love.

Honestly, this is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy stuff.  I feel that the way to bring this shift into the body is by using body-awareness sensation cues.  I am going to practice the cultivation of these feelings in meditation.  I want to see where in my body I feel peace.  I know anger pretty well – it’s in my solar plexus and throat.  I wonder if peace is in my lower belly, all cozy like a kitten sitting on my lap.  I wonder if funny is like a shoulder massage.  etcetcetc.  Feel me?

And so it is.

Hey, what’s your list?  Please share, it’s (you’re) worth it:

snape loreal.gif

I’m Moving to Victoria, BC! (and my nail is growing back) (and emotional eating workshop) shit that’s a lot

A couple of updates: I bought “by accident” a one-day ticket to Victoria, BC (where I’ve felt a damn calling for a loooooonnng time).

I’m hosting a workshop on Body Image and Emotional Eating on Sunday, Oct 15th at 1-2pm at TKVO on Dundas West, with my dear friend Deanne of My Empowered Body.

Emotional Eating Workshop.png

I found a job posting on Facebook for a job that honestly hits me rightinthefeels for its fit for me.  I am sharing my application letter here, because it’s not only for this job, but for my calling in Life.  It’s a declaration of what I want to do with my life.  Rawr, here I go:

Job Description: The Organization: Providence Farm is a therapeutic farm nestled at the base of Mount Tzouhalem in the Cowichan Valley on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. Since 1979, the Vancouver Island Providence Community Association, a registered charity and non-profit society, has been operating creative and innovative programs at the Farm for adults in the Valley with mental health issues, brain injuries and development challenges. 

I am moving to Victoria, BC on November 30th, and am looking for meaningful work in my field.  I found your job posting on Facebook and am feverishly keen to apply.
I am a Certified Holistic Nutritionist from a New Zealand-based program, a Certified Yoga instructor from an India-based program, and hold my undergraduate degree in Kinesiology from the University of Western Ontario. I am an avid trail runner, and successful athlete.  I have a chronically green thumb, and am well knowledged in gardening from my blood-born generational teaching passed on from my Horticulturist father.  I am an endeavouring Holistic chef, and a warrior in mental health, having overcome Bulimia, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia Nervosa.
I am passionate about helping people, and have views in my future of a Holistic Wellness retreat centre, where nature plays an impactful role in healing.  This is one reason that your job posting hit my soul. I believe in the healing power of nature, and in having hands and feet in the earth.  The Japanese therapeutic practice of “Shinrin Yoku” or “forest bathing” is a practice I act on daily, and condone to all beings for a good life!  (This is a big reason for my move back out West, to continue facilitating my own healing.  To move to nature from the busyness and city life of Toronto where I am currently, and where I’ve grown up.)
I believe my purpose in life is to use the experiences I’ve had, along with my diverse education and knowledge gained to help facilitate people’s healing.
I’ve traveled extensively, often taking part in WWOOFING programs where permaculture is exchanged for room and board. I love this barter system and the wonderful people who I’ve met though it.  Benevolent souls are called to this realm of purpose, and I’ve been so grateful to be touched in my heart and my journey from many of them.
I’ve worked in many fields, from teaching yoga, Triathlon coaching, working at a cafe, competitive swim coaching, lifeguarding, working at a camp for kids with severe learning disabilities, to my own current endeavours at starting my own practice and business through Holistic Nutrition and life guidance.
I have an insatiable passion for self-study and development, especially around trauma-healing with regards to the psychological and physiological practices conducive of a healing practice.  In all of these positions, my passion has been deeply-cored in the one-on-one consultation aspect, and the emotional connection that is prevalent in all acts and is key to a healthy human being.  I integrate mind-body-soul techniques to bring awareness and mindfulness into everyday life, and to help people to reconnect with the present moment, and so, to themselves.
I feel as though our current society is flooded with overly-complicated and confounding consumption with distractions, and nature-soul-body connection is lost.  I believe my purpose in life is to help use my tools to catalyze healing in others.
I would be truly honoured to work alongside your team, and to have the opportunity to help others heal at Providence Farm.
I’ve attached my resume, and hope to hear from you.

(My resume is outdated, and I do apologize.  I have several postings and positions I’ve switched around and given the opportunity, I’d be thrilled to give more of my work experience).

I’m sharing this because it’s my statement to the universe, my pRoClAmAtIoN for my purpose.  May the “universe provide”, baby! #intentionsettingtingz

If anyone has any connections for work in this field out in themparts, please let a sis know, I am terrified and excited.  I’m ready to do my life’s purpose, or continue it.  I need a place to live, a good therapist for my emotional baggage (that can take me, I’ve been told before and now warn any therapist I see that I’m a tough cookie), and a jobskis.

So, since I bought my ticket, I’ve been fighting hard.  Honestly, I’ve been finishing meals NOT hungry. I’ve NOT been spending an hour in the bathroom after lunch waiting for my body to poop (an anxious reaction I am letting go of).  I’ve been wary of the external motivation for healing, but also am just renewed of my hope.  I am so excited for mountains, nature, people, to live.  I am letting go of the grip I’ve had around my own neck.  It feels like I can breathe, I’m starting to.
I just don’t give a shit anymore of the self-created struggle!
I am using the Eckharte Tolle technique of focusing on the presence of my hands, their simple presence, bringing attention to my body when my thoughts start spiralizing, and they always will.  Sometimes more than others, but feelings come and go like waves, right?  I’m accepting the highs and lows.
Yesterday, I swam, and the dude I’ve nicknamed “Thrasher look-a-like” was doggy-paddling in the FAST lane, and I swam into his heel–right in my (growing) BOOB slash pec and I’m pretty (frustratingly) fragile (styll) so, it hurt.  I was ANGRY.  I accepted the anger.  I talked to myself about it:
I’m angry. (what’s underneath this?)
I might not be able to swim tomorrow. (what’s underneath this?)
I’ll have to rearrange my training schedule when I already rode 2 days in a row and leggies are le tired…(what’s underneath this?)
I have to adapt, change from my expectations, let go of control. (what’s underneath this?)
I might have less of an intense workout.  I wanted to run on Saturday at the gym because my body is letting me run 30 mins on the dreadmill.(what’s underneath this?)
If my workout isn’t as good, then I am not in control.  I might not work as hard as I expect of myself. (what’s underneath this?)
I won’t feel as accomplished, as deserving. (what’s underneath this?)
THE FUCKING FACT THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO EARN, TO DESERVE SELF-CARE, SELF-LOVE, REST, FOOD! (WHAT’S UNDERNEATH THIS?!?!?!)
SELF LOVE ISN’T EARNED!  I DESERVE LOVE REGARDLESS!!!!! IDONTKNOWWHATWEREYELLINGABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
*****FOCUS ATTENTION ON THE PRESENCE OF MY PALMS OMMMMMM******
SO: this was the self-talk.  The intenseshits about this was that I finished lunch full – and after lunch, I was wiping the table and felt a tweak in the “boob”/pec.  A muscle niggle that was paining.  THIS made me angry.  I was angry because I was FULL AND I was angry.
Holy shit.
When I under-nourish, I am OK with feelings – anger doesn’t phase me as much.  It NUMBS.  It blunts the blow.  WAWAWEEWA.  My roommate put it this way: it’s almost like a competing pain, like, when you have a broken foot – your splinter doesn’t hurt as much.  Right?  Again, it’s an addictive coping mechanisms to numb feelings.
So instead, I sat with it.  
I didn’t like it, and today on my run, I felt constipated and crampy.  The feeling was stuck.  I am learning to process the feelings.  It’s new, it’s a process, and it’s the start.
I saw my WICKED physician yesterday way in the East end, and I have to say, she gives me hope for healthcare.  I love holistic healing and Eastern Medicine, and I also have opened my acceptance and appreciation for the healing power of Western Medicine too.  All are tools, to use sometimes, and others, other times.  Nothing is definite, nothing is permanent.
I ordered bloodwork and she PROPS’D me for this:
fullsizerender-14.jpg
This is a vulnerable one.
You know where that nail used to end? At my cuticle…That’s malnutrition…and I’m fighting it.  My nail is growing back.
Nuff said.
Please consider coming to my workshop if you feel called, it’ll be honest, it’ll be supporting, expressive, good juju.
Happy ThanksLiving!

Honest Vulnerability: Men have body image insecurities too!

Yesterday I met two lovely people at a cafe, and we chatted for a while.  I brought up the issue of body image around breathing.  Specifically how I learned to breathe in my chest instead of my tummy because I was self-conscious about feeling like my tummy was expanding.

I ask myself now (after watching Brene Brown’s vid on vulnerability) “What’s underneath this?”

Shit, I don’t know!? Feeling unworthy if I have a tummy?!

It sounds so yuck to write that, like, self-harming, it doesn’t feel good to me. (this is GOOD! Good job Melskis!)

Again: “What’s underneath this?”

If I have a tummy, that means I’m “flawed”, or imperfect.

Two things my rational soul says:

  1. A tummy doesn’t mean I’m flawed.
  2. There is no such thing as perfect.

So:

Fuck the struggle.png

(I’m quoting myself…lookatbitchGO!)

Another tidbit which was great was from this:

Eckharte Tolle gives a good tip about when you can’t shake an unserving thought:  to focus on the present; to bring awareness into your body and shift the focus.  This is huge because we often think we can “just think of something else”.  But #bitchplease does that ever work? And if it does, it’s fleeting because the mind is such a monkey.  It plays games over and over with us.  The soul is in the body, when we shift focus to say, feeling the existence of our hands, without moving them or touching anything, then we are shifting our focus and redirecting into feelings that we often hide from.  I’m learning to do this.

I rode High Park loops this morning:

Screen shot 2017-10-04 at 10.05.48 AM.png

And I often have cases of “the burps” as I learn how to listen to my body and fuel right. Also, I went to bed real early and woke up real early, and pool opens at 7:30AM only, so I rode instead, which is two days in a row–so leggies are tired…so also wanting to focus on going easier and quiet the thoughts of insufficiency in doing this.

So, in avoiding the monkey thoughts about discomfort and “shoulding on myself”, I focused on my hands, feeling their presence, shifting my focus.  You know what? This shit’s pretty magic.  Try it!

And now the bread and butter of the post: this sweet dude’s vulnerability in expressing himself and that men also face body image issues, although the stigma against emotional expression is so suppressing of discussion.  That blows.  Big ups to his bravery!  Check it out:

Namasthe.