Body Language

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Listen to the whispers, or you’ll be forced to abide by the screams.

I (brilliantly ūüėČ ) came up with this quote one day while hiking Quarry Rock in Vancouver with a friend who’d had a stress fracture and was contemplating running a 50km race on it…It came from a deep place inside of myself of experience. ¬†It’s a lesson I’m still learning: ¬†that of doing less, and stopping when we hear niggles of intuition. ¬†

I’m realizing that “pushing through” doesn’t work: it catches up with us. ¬†I pushed through a lot in the past little while, under the desperation of intending to train and maintain fitness through my body fighting to overcome Hypothalamic Amenorrhea¬†.

I’ve biked though pain, woken up through hunger,
pushed,
endured,
“sucked-it-up”
HTFU (Rule #5)

and my body has been like,

bitch please

With personality types that crave¬†engagement, feeling, intensity:¬†the fine line between pushing though¬†laziness,¬†or¬†actual pain,¬†is pretty distinct. ¬†My mind tries to fool me into saying “you’re lazy”¬†but my body definitely speaks loudly, and I often ignore it.

Well, there’s no ignoring a (most likely) fractured rib (turned down the x-ray to save myself the radiation exposure, from Physician who said it would’t do much for treatment protocol). ¬†Yesterday, after trying to “rest” by speed walking (because it’s the only exercise I was able to do without extreme pain) 12kms a day….my rib had enough and I waved the white flag to go to the Emergency room in the hospital. ¬†Rib treatments are always the same regardless of sprain, strain, fracture, break: rest. ¬†But my intent was to get drugs, something I never do – I didn’t even take Gravol when I had food poisoning and felt like I was being beaten up while on the Cyclone…(fun ride tho, hey?).

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So this pain had me in fetal, cringing, unable to breathe without excruciating pain, and wanting relief.

I ended up taking a CBD tincture which was more ideal than an NSAID anti-inflammatory med, and it helped heaps. ¬† I could actually breathe and crack (no pun intended…) a few jokes to the nurses.

I’m so grateful for my good friend, Corinne who picked me up, and stood by me along with my Dad the whole time in the hospital. ¬†She’s truly a gift, as is my Dad. (thanks for introducing me to Snapchat, so fun!).

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So I am in a state of non-doing (like, literally house-ridden…maybe cafe bc #coffee). ¬†I really want to learn from this, and understand that:

Don’t wait for a storm to rebuild your roof.

Because honestly, you really can’t “trick” your body, “fool” yourself into thinking everything is “fine” (such a bullshit word), that we can “get away” with ___________ this time. ¬†It comes back and bites us in the ass, no?

I want to learn to catch myself in the amber zone before it turns flaming red, and I want to help other do the same by living it. ¬†Because “pushing though” helps no one, and only harms myself, and those who I could potentially help in my life’s purpose.

Feel me? ¬†Let’s tune in, hey?

Separate Food from Exercise

My holistic health philosophy I’m realizing for myself:

Separate eating from exercise: related but intuitive not controlled: “so that/because”. Injury and overtraining related to allostatic stress load, and rest is separate from earning or deserving food. Food comes with body cues and fluctuates outside of our control. We only need to listen.

Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”

 

On “Flux”

Life is such a flux.

I always feel like I’m searching for certainty, for¬†“the secret”, for the¬†“always”. ¬†I’d like to know that my body will stay the same shape as I get healthier (save for bigger boobs and a bonitaapplebum…) and I want to know that I’ll only gain weight in muscle/the ways that I believe to be aesthetic/functional as an athlete.

I’d like for my digestion to be like clockwork; to know when I’ll need the bathroom, to know exactly what time to eat/what to eat/when to train, when it’ll rain, it’s type simple and plain to maintain
I add a little funk to the brain
The funk baby…but that’s brain-insane, no?

Insanity is the thoughts my mind tries to make me believe; those desires.  I want to feel this stuff as it arrives in my body, and then use my mind with the feedback to act on whatever arises (of which I have no control) to feel better.

It takes¬†trust and letting go of my thoughts. ¬†It’s so hard when I’m very used to thinking more than feeling, and overriding any physical needs before they have the chance of manifesting and me acting on them. ¬†I have alienated my feelings because I’m afraid to¬†feel. ¬†But this restricted living is taking a toll on my life and I’ve come to an awareness opening up to being so damn numb that I’m willing to risk the fear in order to get out of this half life.

I have changed my schedule throughout the past few years since its implementation, granted.  As my feelings have changed, I have adapted, but only in adjusting and shifting my regimented schedule and rigidity.  Letting go actually means tossing the concept of grasping, certainty and expectations to the curb, and living with no seat under my ass.

Tuning into feelings as they come.
Ever changing.
The dynamic human being, woman, lady, little girl.
Finding balance in whatever comes.

Olympic Marathoner’s ABS Routine

Kara Goucher and Shalane Flanagan’s Stability Ball Abs Routine

This video highlights an ab-focused routine for great core stability in your workouts.

The core muscle groups are important for keeping our spine stable and erect, and balancing out our hip girdle so that we are biomechanically in line, and bilaterally equal in our muscular development.

What does this mean straight up?

You are less likely to get injured, you can breathe properly, and you aren’t putting more strain on one side of your body.

You are balanced.

Check it out:

I like to adapt this into a mini-circuit:

Complete 3 rounds (the number of reps can be reduced: I recommend starting at 10)

20 reps forward and backwards
20 reps side-to-side
20 circles left
20 circles right
20 shoulder crunches

30 V-Sit Twists
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Try it out! ¬†I’ve lured in a few people to join me in this sequence at gyms, because suffering is better when shared ūüėČ and I can say from experience that I’ve seen jacked men tear from it!

Suggested soundtracking: