Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”

 

“FINE, body!”

A great athletic therapist I’ve seen once suggested that when my body speaks and asks for nourishment, and my mind rebels- when there is that tug-of-war between my heart and head- she suggested observing my body and reacting with compassion. 

She suggested that I respond by taking a second (like when I hear hunger strike at a “non-delegated meal time”) and responding with semi-exasperated albeit compassionate communication: “fineeee, body, OK, body.” (Minor eye roll)

That helped me put it into perspective, minimizing the struggle of “letting go”. As if it’s some kind of competition and instead of letting my mind “lose”, I just let the body be and surrender.

This helped me when I woke up at 3am famished and didn’t feel like a snack to tide me over- bitchwantedbreakfast…so:

After my abs n shit


I ate: very unphotogenic smoothie so I deleted it.

And then after I did my ride, I lay down for a bit. But was hungry for “lunch”(?????) at like 9!?

Egg avo hummus sesame seeds nooch. Also: my plates usually look like this with an array of condiments around them- I make it simple for most pics but like, secondsaregood.


I guess this is like the “pre-elevensies”…

So that little sentence helps.

I have a job interview today at a fruit market, that’ll be sweet because I am so needing work. 

And probs camping next week in boonies for peace.

Challo 👩🏼‍🌾

Can I eat dinner at 4:30?

Yuuuuuup! 

Salmonskinisbae

Egg avo sauce: mooch, almond milk, smoked paprika, salt, Sriracha

Recovery is Messy

Recovery is messy,

Confusing up down stressy,

Gut-wrenching and pesky,

Is this meal brunch? Linner? Breaky?

Hotel continental breakfast salad-version at Best Western. Didn’t feel right eating the meat there…left only the saucisson.


HoWent to cousin’s beautiful wedding yesterday #bitchdidwha

Challenge and good.

Rest day today, hard AS 

Marinating on it, and sharing allthefeels soon.

Much love to whoever reads this, (I love you)

Look at those grins!


Can I eat dinner at 4:30? And I enjoy chicken skin, bone marrow, cartilage from da bird #exvegetarian

Yam Chickpea Curry

Homade curry #bitchdidwha

Thanks, Ange (“oh she glows”…she “glistens”/glows/gluts…glutes?)

Sweet potato chickpea coconut curry


When I bought this from Sorauren Market, it was a challenge. It’s easier to buy these things than make them bc when I make them I skimp on shit freely (sub yam for like, cauli or some shit…) but bub DELIVERED and made this: with ghee bc #OGHEE

have to say…”oh she glows” is a rather irritating name for a blog (sorry Angela #imhonest), although so is “halfbakedunrealist” (SOMEONE HELP me WITH MY WEBSITE IVE BEEN TRYING TO CHANGE THIS ANNOYING NAME FOR YEARS). Buttttt woman has some real good recipes (minus so much soy) esp when trying to eat more carbs.

My house smells great, this curry will be yum. 

Also, instead of the chilli flakes, I used a green chilli that I snagged from the planter at Reunion Island #thanksAdam (againwiththehonesty) #willrepaywithbasilmojito

Didn’t want to do my ride. Legs like “wtf”…Did anyways. One day, I’ll learn.

Wif dem Konjac noodles and cilantro


Also came across two inspirations: Coach Tawnee (this article was amazing in depicting the internal dialogue around food with anorexia…bless) and Tina Muir (fucking fast AS chick and wicked woman, Hypothalamic Amenorrhea overcomer, inspiration, support).

There’s support out there and it feels so good to know I’m not alone.

And this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?ebc=ANyPxKpOVgaIzTAFb0MhpTEVYTRaKw1x0c8iwks-uhqj1-pT5VYkMhLoMdDG0Q3P4eHkWWTwbiRp2s6yuP7iGNsiI1uvgoX6iA&v=S77zUWqawag

Second Breakfast? Lunch?

#isittooearlyforlunch?

Nope.

Ghee- scrambled eggs, avo, jerky, salad


Has anyone read Hunger by Roxane Gay? I’m finishing it. Lots of similarities and lots of differences between under and overeating. Raw and real, but #shedidntreplytomytweet so….😉#noteveryauthorisascoolasRochelleBilow 
What’re you hungry for?

Me? My own love 

Butternut Lentils

Mum made this months ago, I was too uncomfy eating it then so I froze it (habit of mine…youshouldseemyfreezer…).

It’s whatever now, and a great, grounding and wholesome lunch bc #teamperiod #Melstruation #HypothalamicAmeNOrrhea #sweetpotbaeto 

Butternut lentil stew with dem Konjac noodle things


Man, fuck Anorexia 

Thetimehascomethewalrussaid. 

Free Example of a Daily Template

On Routine:

routine

The body likes routine.  I’m not referring to a totally calculated and pre-planned existence, but more-so a plan with relative regularity in scheduling certain daily patterns:

  • Eating times
  • Exercise times
  • Sleep/Wake-up times
  • Poop times

The body flows into a rhythm, a cadence, and a beat when we listen well to its needs, and fine-tune a schedule.  Believe it or not, this implementation of a plan is key to a myriad of health benefits like:

  • minimizing disease
  • skin issues
  • weight fluctuations
  • stress
  • headaches
  • chronic illness
  • fatigue
  • gut disturbances, and more.

Although a totally monotonous lifestyle is a recipe for lacklustre predictability, give or take a half hour of buffer space, eating times, exercise times, and sleep times are a good thing to routinize.

It takes some experimentation and individualization, because everyone is different, but ultimately, once a nice pattern is formed, and fine-tuned with love and attentive to moderation and deep intuition, I can say from first-hand experience that it transformed my life from a place of extreme self-harm, to utmost self-love, calm, self-awareness and peace.

As promised, here is an example of a daily template:

7:00AM Wake up
Say morning mantra and practice abdominal Pranayama breathing while still in bed
Brush teeth, wash face, use toilet

7:15AM
Morning walk, 10 mins

7:30AM
Prepare breakfast
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

9:00AM 60 swim minute Workout
WU

600 swim
10 x 50 as break-out/build @ 50s

MS 1
21 x 50 @ 50s as:
3x
1) break-out
2) 25!/25ez
3) 35!/15 ez
4) AO!
5) ascend
6) 25!/25ez
7) build

100 ez

4 x 150 @ 2:15 as: 25 scull/25 breathing-5/25 breathing-7/25 ALL OUT!/50K NB underwater on your side (25LS/25RS)

100 ez

10 x 75 as (100 ez after first 5)
first 5: breathing 3-5-7
last 5: breathing 7-5-3
ALL ODDS: ascending
ALL EVENS: descending

CD

300 ez
500 dr/sc/k/sw/pull

12:00PM
10 minute walk

12:15PM Lunch
Prepare lunch
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

4PM Snack
Prepare snack
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

6:00 PM
Evening walk, 10 mins

6:15PM
Prepare dinner
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

8PM
Small evening snack
Night time meditation, sitting and focusing on breath for 10 minutes, and reviewing the day

10PM Goodnight 

  • Notes:

    Try to eat only so much that you know you will be hungry in 3-4hours.
    Be aware of your self-duty in this process of finding your balanced state of being and mind.
    Be aware and accepting that this process might take some tweaking, patience is key.
    Re-assess, re-assess, and re-asses!
    Namasthe 🙂

Here’s a good song, have a sweet Thursday!  Stay tuned for a package to individualize a jump-start weekly program, and 30 day re-set including recipes, and applicable workouts.

(Almost) Raw Curry Spinach Soup – Paleo

(Almost) Raw Paleo Spinach Soup
Raw Blender Sou

I tend to fall into a pattern where I find a recipe I like, and stick to it consistently for a bit of time.  I’m now in a phase where I’m trying to balance out my PH level, my body is in a higher state of acidity.  SO, I’m taking some steps to do this:

  • cutting out coffee (putain de merde)
  • limiting condiments (le sigh…salsa…)
  • including lots of cooked and raw veg (more cooked than raw)
  • adding wheatgrass (it’s ok, and can’t taste it when added to things like smoothie bowls and soups)
  • walking before meals to lower stress, and to focus on my breath
  • abdominal pranayama breathing to calm myself
  • reiki (mmmmhhhmmmm)

Here’s a recipe for a nice blender soup, you can make it in 5 minutes for lunch/dinner:

Ingredients:

2 handfuls Spinach
Palmful of Cottage cheese (can omit, or sub with coconut/egg protein/gelatine powder)
Splash of Almond milk
Splash of water
Splash of Olive juice
1 spoonful Nooch
Curry pow
Mustard seeds
Cumin seeds
Caraway seeds
Pepper
Smoked paprika
Soy sauce
Slice of fresh Ginger

Put it in a blender and whiz.

Suggested soundtracking:

Top with sliced avocado, drizzle of tahini, and enjoy 🙂

Coconut Mint Chutney

In India I got to try a wide variety of condiments, sauces, chutneys and toppings that I loved exploring.
Mint coconut chutney
This is one of my favourites:

Coconut mint chutney:

1 cup shredded fresh coconut meat
1/2 cup curd (yogurt)
1/2 cup water
1/3 cup fresh mint leaves
1 tbsp mustard seed
1 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp paprika
1 tsp coriander seeds
2 cloves garlic
Red chilli to heat preference
Salt and pepper to taste
Put it all in a blender and whiz