Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”

 

Camping Solo 

Rest day today, camping tomorrow. 

I ground my coffee #thanksReunionIsland 

I cooked my cabbage, and made a slaw #thanksBerryFreshFarms (started working there today!)



I prepped some things and froze others:


I learned fire building tips from a pro, thanks Cris!

I’m going to be ight, and am looking forward to being in nature, the constant noise here is getting to me. My body wants a break from training, but mind is racing. Bringing yoga mat, hiking shoes and kayak. Trying to match mind level w body needs, slow things down.

Music is made in the silence between the notes.

“FINE, body!”

A great athletic therapist I’ve seen once suggested that when my body speaks and asks for nourishment, and my mind rebels- when there is that tug-of-war between my heart and head- she suggested observing my body and reacting with compassion. 

She suggested that I respond by taking a second (like when I hear hunger strike at a “non-delegated meal time”) and responding with semi-exasperated albeit compassionate communication: “fineeee, body, OK, body.” (Minor eye roll)

That helped me put it into perspective, minimizing the struggle of “letting go”. As if it’s some kind of competition and instead of letting my mind “lose”, I just let the body be and surrender.

This helped me when I woke up at 3am famished and didn’t feel like a snack to tide me over- bitchwantedbreakfast…so:

After my abs n shit


I ate: very unphotogenic smoothie so I deleted it.

And then after I did my ride, I lay down for a bit. But was hungry for “lunch”(?????) at like 9!?

Egg avo hummus sesame seeds nooch. Also: my plates usually look like this with an array of condiments around them- I make it simple for most pics but like, secondsaregood.


I guess this is like the “pre-elevensies”…

So that little sentence helps.

I have a job interview today at a fruit market, that’ll be sweet because I am so needing work. 

And probs camping next week in boonies for peace.

Challo 👩🏼‍🌾

Recovery is Messy

Recovery is messy,

Confusing up down stressy,

Gut-wrenching and pesky,

Is this meal brunch? Linner? Breaky?

Hotel continental breakfast salad-version at Best Western. Didn’t feel right eating the meat there…left only the saucisson.


HoWent to cousin’s beautiful wedding yesterday #bitchdidwha

Challenge and good.

Rest day today, hard AS 

Marinating on it, and sharing allthefeels soon.

Much love to whoever reads this, (I love you)

Look at those grins!


Can I eat dinner at 4:30? And I enjoy chicken skin, bone marrow, cartilage from da bird #exvegetarian

An Apology Letter To The Girls Struggling To Love Their Beautiful Bodies | Thought Catalog

Needs a repost

An Apology Letter To The Girls Struggling To Love Their Beautiful Bodies

By Shani Jay 

I’m sorry you’ve been convinced that the body you live in today doesn’t quite measure up. That you now believe your breasts need to fill a certain cup size, that your thighs must not meet each other, and your frame needs to mimic that of the women you don’t know but scroll past on Instagram every day.

I’m sorry for all the times you get out of the shower, catch a glimpse of your naked self in the mirror, and look at the reflection starring back at you in disgust, before instantly diverting your eyes elsewhere.

And I’m sorry that you’ve been made to see those dimples etched on the back of your thighs, the stretch marks trailing your belly, and the imperfectness of your body as ugly.

I’m sorry that you’re now unable to enjoy food the way you did as a little girl. That your mind is constantly obsessing over every calorie consumed, counting every bite that you take in, and panicking about gaining the tiniest bit of weight.

Maybe food has now become a go-to comfort for you, a drug that helps you temporarily feel better and forget about how deeply unhappy you are within yourself. Or maybe it has become a source of control, and you’ve learned to ignore those hunger pains, which grow louder every day.

I’m sorry that you spend the majority of your day feeling un-desirable, un-worthy and struggling to fit in to this world.

I’m sorry for all of those times someone said something cruel to you about the way you look, and that you decided to believe them. And I’m sorry that you carry around all of those words in the back of your mind today as a constant reminder that the woman you are is not, and will never be, good enough.

I’m sorry that you don’t believe your body is deserving of love. That you think you have to settle for anyone who takes an interest in you, because who are you to think you can do any better than that?

I’m sorry you now allow people to mistreat you and cause you pain because you think it’s your fault. You think that if only you had a smaller waist, a slender figure or a flatter stomach then you’d be deserving of someone better – someone who truly loves you for all that you are, inside and out.

But it’s not your fault. It’s not your problem. It’s our problem.

It’s our problem that women die every day from starving themselves because they believe they need to be thinner.

It’s our problem that young girls are made to feel like they need to crash diet or get cosmetic surgery so they can look like the models and celebrities they see on social media.

It’s our problem that most women are unhappy with their bodies.

And it breaks my heart that chances are you are one of them.

Because it shouldn’t be this way.

We shouldn’t aspire to look like clones of one another. We shouldn’t be unhealthily obsessing over our figures, and mutilating our bodies in order to mentally go from an average 7, to a 9 out of 10. We shouldn’t be placing so much value on something that isn’t going to last and has no real bearing on who you really are. 

So I ask you today to remove yourself from this competition that none of us women ever agreed to in the first place.

I ask you to love your body exactly as it is today, and remember all of the wonderful things it allows you to do.

And I ask you to make a promise to yourself to be more tolerant of those bodies you’ve been taught to recognize as ugly – especially if that body belongs to you. TC mark

Shani Jay

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shani-jayawardena/2017/07/an-apology-letter-to-the-girls-struggling-to-love-their-beautiful-bodies/

Second Breakfast? Lunch?

#isittooearlyforlunch?

Nope.

Ghee- scrambled eggs, avo, jerky, salad


Has anyone read Hunger by Roxane Gay? I’m finishing it. Lots of similarities and lots of differences between under and overeating. Raw and real, but #shedidntreplytomytweet so….😉#noteveryauthorisascoolasRochelleBilow 
What’re you hungry for?

Me? My own love 

She Let Go

My first rest day in months. Usually I’d do yoga, I don’t even feel like yoga. Might not. I don’t feel like doing anything (fuck that Bruno Rawrz song, man). Woke up headachy and actually able to feel all the aches in my body. They’re always there, but today, I’m actually feeling them and they’re so “there”. I’m also hungry. So here’s a poem for today, bless you Shannon Mujagic

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

~ Rev. Safire Rose

Morning Journalling

Awareness note:

Because I need more reassurance that lowering my cortisol is vital ATM…

Why minimize stress? My body is in fight or flight mode- literally surviving and just trying to get my nutrients- it’s like “screw gut comfort”- all that isn’t the priority bc priority ATM is energy- the higher functions won’t even work. Hunger is skewed bc of hormone and high endorphin and emotions all whack. Must minimize stress so I can calmly eat, calm my gut-be in a state where my body has enough energy to create a peaceful digestion. Then I can explore my mental capacity and life purpose capacity and all life (refer to picture). Now priority is de-stress: lower cortisol.

Recovery and Stress

I’ve realized something big:

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea is something I can’t turn my back on anymore, and if I ever before needed an incentive to “get better”, well it’s time I focused on getting my period back.  Along with this comes all the other things; weight, happiness because #grounded #present, running freely, swimming, biking, bar dates, less fear.

The source of focus is to minimize stress.

It’s taken me a long ass time to come to this realization, approx 7 years (same amount of time I’ve been period-less).  It’s taken me that long to realize that not having a period is NOT normal, and not only my bone health depends on getting better.

I’ve realized that my symptoms are all uni-sourced: stress.

  • Gerd
  • IBS (basically a blanket term for stress, expressed by the vocally wise and intolerable gut)
  • feeling ungrounded
  • headaches
  • no period
  • inability to sleep in past 5:30AM
  • low energy
  • fear
  • nails falling off
  • stress fracture
  • muscle soreness
  • low stamina

I’ve felt like I’d be entitled if I focused on de-stressing.  My stress is self-inflicted, albeit, but I don’t care anymore.  I don’t need to hurt myself anymore in order to “deserve” to focus on minimizing my stress.  My cortisol levels are high as fuck, my set-point of functioning has become malignantly reliant on such a high level of hormone exertion that my anxiety runs at a constant fight or flight level.  I’m running myself into the ground and I’m 26 years old.  I don’t deserve this, and I am accepting my own hand in my recovery focus.  I’m blessed as hell that I’ve got a good home to support me.  This isn’t a joke, this idea that I’m needing to “deserve” not to slowly kill myself as I’m doing.

So fuck that shit, I’m focusing on my recovery: minimizing my stress levels.

Because I deserve to be alive, and to one day have children, and feel free, have boobs, rest.

Peace

P.S. As I’ve “turned on” this decision, feelings are coming back.  Literally unblocking the wall – like, yesterday, I ate #allthepate at dinner (a portion I’d expected to last like, a week….which isn’t that much, coming from a restrictive standpoint…).  My body’s talking, and I can finally hear myself.  The difference is that now I’m willing to accept my own love.

english bay

Yoga for Kids

5 Yoga Poses for Kids

yoga girl TYI

Yoga isn’t only for adults; it has been shown to help children develop as they grow. As many of the poses are named after animals, Yoga for kids is a fun way to incorporate a non-competitive form of physical activity for your child. Here are some benefits of introducing your child to Yoga:

  1. De-Stress: Children face many stressors in life that we might not be aware of. From school competitiveness in academics and finding friendships, to living at home and being exposed to little arguments and conflicts between family members. Yoga encourages techniques like relaxation, inner fulfillment and breathing, which provide coping tools in face of these challenges.
  2. Calmness: Yoga is a very calming practice for kids, as it teaches to breathe deeply, and relax. This is a wonderful technique that translates to other aspects your child’s life. You will notice your child learning to relax instead of immediately jumping to fight in face of conflicts.
  3. Patience: Holding poses is a great way to lean patience; by breathing through a posture, children learn to practice a calm state when waiting and accepting a situation as it is.
  4. Body-Awareness: Body awareness is a wonderful concept to introduce at a young age, and Yoga provides a venue for this. It encourages physical activity that is non-competitive, and creates an opportunity for building friendships and bonds.
  5. Flexibility and Strength: Yoga not only encourages a sense of calmness and relaxation, but it also allows children to explore the movement of their bodies, and connect with themselves and surroundings. They will learn to be strong in face of challenges through the held poses, and understand their body’s limits through stretching and holding.

 5 Yoga Poses For Kids:

  1. Sun Salutations: For Breathing

    One of the simplest and most powerful practices you can teach your children is breath awareness. Diaphragmatic breathing, the relaxed, deep breathing that activates the diaphragm muscle, is the prerequisite for the subtle practices of the yoga tradition. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which induces a state of calm, improves focus, and reduces anxiety.
    In yoga, we move as we breathe. For example, we stretch on the inhale and relax on the exhale. The Sunrise/Sunset pose is a good all-over warm-up for any activity. 1. Stand up tall. Take three to five deep breaths. 2. On the next inhale, lift your arms above your head. Press your legs and feet down toward the ground and stretch your spine and waist toward the sky.  As you exhale, bend the upper half of your body at your waist down toward your legs, as if you were diving into a pool. Bend as far as you comfortably can. As you inhale again, open your arms wide and stand up slowly, stretching your arms to the sky. 4. Repeat this six to 10 times. As you inhale and stretch, think of the glowing, rising sun. As you exhale and fold, think of the setting sun.
    sun salutation
  1. Tree Pose: Balance and Body Awareness                                                     1. Stand up straight and tall. Breathe in and out and feel your legs reaching toward the ground and your head reaching toward the sky. Look at one spot in front of you to keep your eyes steady. 2. Now lift your right leg by bending your knee. Breathe evenly, looking at one spot in front of you. Place your right leg on your left leg, above the knee (or below the knee if that’s more comfortable). Imagine roots growing from your left foot into the ground. Let your left leg be strong like the trunk of the tree. Now stretch your arms up like branches.
    tree pose
  1. Butterfly Pose: Stretching and Calm  
    1. Sit on the floor and place the soles of your feet together. Hold on to your feet or ankles, and let your knees drop toward the floor. Sit up with a tall spine. 2. Imagine that you are a butterfly with beautiful wings stretching out from your spine and with long antennae reaching out from your head.
    butterfly pose
  1. Gorilla: Stretch and body awareness
    Stand with your legs wide apart. Bend forward at the waist, bending your knees a little bit. Let your arms hang down in front of you and swing your upper body back and forth like a gorilla. You can also just hang forward over your legs without swinging.
    gorilla pose
  2. Bow Pose: Flexibility, strength, breathing
    Lie on your belly. Breathe in and relax your body as you breathe out. Bend your knees and take hold of your ankles behind you. As you breathe in, lift your head and chest and legs off of the floor. Pull your feet away from your back to stretch your chest and belly. 2. As you slowly breathe in and out in the Bow pose, lift your head and feet toward the ceiling. Feel the arch in your back. 3. When you are ready, come down slowly on an exhalation, and rest on your belly.bow pose