You know when you overdo something, and then swear off of it for like, 30 daysorLife…and then fall off the oath and “succumb to weakness”? Well, fuck, maybe it’s not a weakness. Maybe it’s just inevitability in your humanity.
Example: eat 3 TBSP of flaxseeds because I was still hungry but feeling afraid of “overdoing” legit food like my snack of nuts that I nightly have, so I eat tablespoon after tablespoon of flaxseeds. Knowing very well that this will not be pretty tomorrow….especially since my gut has been off since antibiotics.
Or for me, it’s eating raw veg and vinegars like salads because they are “safe foods” and satisfy my feeling of needing to be a little ungrounded. These foods are not what make me feel good in the colder weather. My soul knows this well, but it’s easy to fool myself into thinking this is healthy because, like, it’s a fucking salad, bro. But I am suffering with my gut so hard, and I know that the cup of coffee won’t be good on my tummy, but the other parts of me loudly speak their needs for sensation. How good and like, superhuman do you feel after drinking a cup of coffee? It’s like I can do anything. It totally masks any fatigue I may have felt, and poor sleep, it just makes me not feel the things that I believe will stand in my way of doing the things. Do you know what I mean though?
- drinking too much coffee
- eating too much __________________________
- buying too much______________
- doing too much_________
- sleeping too much?
- literally, anything in excess.
And then, the swearing off happens:
I WILL ABSTAIN FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that feels SO PRODUCTIVE, right?! Like, a bandaid, it gives peace of mind…until we break the fast, we eat the thing, we drink the thing, we buy the things. And come in shame and guilt.
But the thing is, this “caving” is not a weakness. It is not a lack of strength. I ate too much flax again, and now feel terrible because it’s just that right time for gastric emptying from yesterday to be making its bowel-journey so that I’ve pooped like 6 times already and now feel so “unfinished”….you know?! That feeling SUCKS.
So, I am learning to say that this wasn’t a lack of willpower. This wasn’t weakness. Because I was scared, right? I acted out of a space of fear, of really trying to not wake up hungry in the middle of the night, so I ate what I felt safe eating. I used my resources, and from a space of needing nourishment, I evaluated my means, and chose the safest one. That’s actually pretty beautiful. I actually was trying to sleep better. Maybe I didn’t make the best decision for all parts of myself, gut-specifically, but I wanted to be rested.
THAT is a good reaction to this. Actually, add:
And isn’t that something you’d tell a little kid? Because we actually chose the best thing to do, given our state of health. Maybe the chocolate was a vice from emotional suppression all week. Maybe the wine was because we are so fucking tired, used up so many resources, that the feelings are too much to handle and we uncork the whole damn bottle to dissipate the emotions. The soul wanted to feel. The soul was telling, yelling at us to be heard.
If I don’t examine where my feeling of being unsafe was coming from, I will continue to use my best and most readily available “safe” vices, at the detriment of other parts of myself.
I feel unsafe when I have disconnected from myself, and I fear of being “out of control”, so I latch on to safety with clawed fingers. To the point of choke-holding my own neck. But, that feeling of safety was satisfied.
Humans are incredible at adapting. We use our ITB and knees when our asses are weak and don’t muscularly fire properly so that we can move, run, walk, ride.
We find venues to expel excess feels when we really need to meet that work deadline, so we eat the whole cake.
We have weak abs, and so our backs hyper-engage so we can remain upright.
We feel out of control in our lives, so we clean our houses like mad because it makes us feel the illusion of order.
Over-compensation. It’s a thing. And it works in the short term, but longer term, our bodies can’t handle it too long. When we are in the over-compensation cycle for a prolonged time, we are sustaining self-disconnect and the soul doesn’t like this. It can be silenced temporarily, but not long-term.
So, the “willpower” to not do the things, is not the answer, and it is not a weakness when we “run out of willpower”. It is inevitability.
So the question is, where did we over-compensate? Where did we satisfy a need with some other soothing thing that helped us feel safe, heard, in-control, or just FEEL?
That’s the ticket.
I didn’t feel nourished in my life, in feeling of purpose yesterday. I instead wanted the safety and control over satiety, so I could wake up and be able to hop on my bike fasted, because when I’m bloated with flaxseeds, I don’t feel hunger as much. And what does that bike ride give me? A feeling of satisfaction guaranteed: I know that I’ll feel subdued, more peaceful, high. I know that this will be my stimulus-addiction satisfied. Until my next high.
I’m too confused and haven’t “figured” this all out yet, but I trust this much.
I’m stopping here.