I don’t know, what do you “feel”?
I’m at a place where I don’t crave sweets anymore. I lived in a sugar addicted state for a couple of years, and it was tormenting. I’d binge, and wait for the next high while sitting in utter shame and guilt leading to self-loathing. The cortisol and insulin spike from the sugar made me feel alive. It’s wicked that I don’t have these urges anymore….but in blocking out the cravings, I also blocked out my intuitive needs.
I’ve been chronically injured for years, I can track back to 2014 when I first mucked up my rib after riding the IM Whistler bike course, and not recovering enough – overtraining led me to the ER for a rib tweak.
I’ve honestly been injured since then, unable to race, train consistently, and have since endured multiple rib fractures, a stress fracture, evidently bone fragility, and a prevalent case of Hypothalamic Amenorrhea.
So, it’s not to say that I don’t eat good food- I do, and I eat a lot. I’m currently sitting with a rib fracture, that’s healing, not as fast as I’d like, but it’s better everyday. I am toying with the idea of tossing out “rules” and foodisms from “the guides” and then what my body asks for.
Like, I know what I eat is healthy, but I feel like the routinized safety lying in the foods I choose to eat, although nutrients dense (like nuts, eggs, fish, meat, leafy greens, lentils, beans, (not a lot), berries, coconut, kefir, squash), aren’t intuitively what my body wants.
Like, I actually feel that my routine meals are so habitual that they leave no room for what my body wants. I numbed that voice for so long. I’ve been sitting more with my feels (ummm partially bc I’m forced to…walking is still slow and my body can’t move a lot yet) and letting them come and go (like clouds, right Thich Nhat Hanh?).
I remember when I was in the sugar addicted cycle and I’d attempt to suffice a craving for cake with some mish-mash of things: a “mug cake”, or a “protein brownie”. It didn’t work…
I honestly feel though that nothing would work in that state. I feel that I had to endure the binge, feel that yuck of a bloated tummy after eating heaps of cake. I think it stemmed from an inner need to realize the causes of the pain.
The only way out is through.
I think this is why those of us who’ve experienced binge-eating aren’t able to “just follow a mealplan” to rid ourselves of the condition. It doesn’t work that way. The way is to go through it, in awareness, and dig deep: look at the why, compassionately, gently. I think that as we learn to be kind to ourselves, unconditionally, then the resistance is gone and we’re free to do things guiltlessly. When that “forbidden” barrier is out, then we don’t crave what is maybe not the best for us as much.
Resistance is futile.
Take away the resistance and we can be. Non-judgementally. In forgiveness and gentle kindness towards ourselves.
So as I learn this, my body won’t be in a state of resistance anymore, the struggle will end. No more pain. After all, our bodies and our hearts both want the same thing.