On Shame

I’m sitting at a cafe and doing research now.  I have eaten lunch, a good one, and am post-food-babied.  I ate intuitively, and well.  And I have the post-meal itis and “full” feeling.  I’m learning to accept it.  Not to “suck in”.  It’s a natural phenomenon that happens after a meal!  But my subconscious is all “shouldn’t you be ashamed?”

Honestly, I’ve realized that when I feel shame, when I feel like I’ve fucked up, when I feel unsafe (be it physically, emotionally, whatever), when I feel anxious, when I feel like my sense of safety/control are threatened, I self-sabotage by grasping on to whatever form of control I feel that I have, and my default is food.

I’ve been coping by restricting.

Example: family stresses – first thing I do innately is to eat less.  Whoa.  I watched myself do this on my birthday this past Sunday, and I was shocked!  I actually was able to catch myself in the habit, re-assess my perception of the threat and my state of safety, re-ground, and eat.  Eat for me.  I no longer am going the be the brunt of my own self-punishment when fear hits.  I am learning to cope better.  Better yet – I’m learning to not interpret such outside things as stressful/threats!  (this is taking practice, and it takes me widening my window of stress-tolerance.)

***(I keep opening this to edit as new insight comes)***

I’ve realized that my tendency to eat less is also when I’m doing things like working at a job where I feel like I can’t fully relax or be myself – I would tend to pack things like big salads with bulk and little nutrition (using unflavoured protein powder to sustain me)…woah.

shit…this self-help work is SUCHWORK #TheWork (nahmean)

shame

I’ve done some research on shame.

Brene Brown’s TedTalk on it is awesome.

I’ve been listening to Sounds True Self-Acceptance Summit videos.  Today I listened to the one on Shame, and some key take-away points hit me:

  • Eating Disorder sufferers tend to be shy and timid, brought up in families that are strict and streamlined.
  • ED sufferers tend to self-harm and internalize the emotion of shame when they are scolded, especially relating to the shy timid nature
  • feeling like there’s no safe space to experience and to feel
  • Shame is actually felt in the body in form of a somatic response where the sympathetic nervous system engages and you go into a form of stress response
  • Shame has a tendency to initiate a reaction in the body to hide-away and escape
  • punishment for actions, repercussions
  • Shame tends to cause a “freezing” or a stagnant state of paralysis
  • covert and overt shamers (ones who voice their feelings of shame, and others who express it via other emotions)
  • Those are a few.

“Discourse”:

I feel shame often.

“Too much salt?”

“Too much speaking with ‘I’?”

“Too long to eat?”

“Too long in the bathroom?”

“Not pretty enough?  Skin picking too much?”

“Not enough time in the sun to combat the skin picking?”

“Not working hard enough?”

All these thoughts are pretty automatic in regards to negative appraisal with my self-talk.  I’m really learning to observe the rubbish, and to let it go.  To accept it, and choose to believe otherwise.  It’s a weird feeling, like looking down at my thoughts from an above vantage point, and saying, “That’s not me.  I choose to believe differently.”

When I was in India learning yoga, I remember a teacher expressing it as if you were called by a wrong name, and you had the interpretation of utter non-reactive expression that “that’s not my name.”

No judgement, no reaction, no ego.  Simply the “hey man, not my name.” kind of talk.

This was cool.  I’m using that same tone, after first using the mean automatic tone…but in retrospect I’m catching myself, and reframing the way I would prefer to self-talk.  That’s cool.

Anyone experience shame this way?
Sharing is caring (:

Resources:

https://www.centerforhealingshame.com/self-help/

 

I am not ok

My indoor bike trainer is on its last limbs, and today she broke.

I knew I shouldn’t have…but I am hungry for trails, for it so I ran. I regret it:


I’m tired of whining. But this sucks and I want to punch a hole through a wall.

I’m grateful

Ya humkshiy and that’s supposed to say bullshit fucking autocorrect you oi de of shut

I hobbled to a physio around the corner and the “Ottawa” somethingsomething test said no X-ray needed (thank you “God”? Or whatever). But I am so sad.

Life’s like “take a break”!

I feel like I needed to affirm, ok “I” here is huge “Ego”: needed to affirm my strength in running before I gave myself rest. Like, I’ve been watching all the runners in BC winning things and climbing mountains like this: (dloaded StumbleUpon on my phone to self-explore things that interest me- other than mindlessly scrolling on IG, or playing on Bumble…but: 

Should have cropped this but dontcareatm

Here’s the love I’m searching for (thanks StumbleUpon ❤️):


Goddamn it I gotta eat, man.

I am resting now. I am a strong runner, today showed that in my stride, bitchgotit. I don’t need to prove myself anymore. I just am, I am that I am ok Wayne dyer!?

May he rest peacefully with louise hay

Help help me help I can help myself.

Such a post. That is mknkey mind. But hey, no break in bone, soft tissue sprain, saystheottawasomethingsomethingtest

That’s ok

I guess I’ll work on my catering website now

I have a dietitian appointment check in soon and feel very much like not doing it but isn’t it the most important exactly now? My coping is totally food related- so anti healing – in this injury, ED voice is like “don’t eat as much”, but fuck that right? The cycle gotta end somewhere. Why not here and now? I’m going to have blood sausage for dinner still bc that shits good and I feel good after eating it. Too many salads is what my tum is saying.

Anyone want to drink some wine with me? Do some pranayama? I cookforyou

Rawr.

If anyone has any jokes, good videos to watch, toilet humour…dodge memes….I’m acceptingdonationsinformofcomedicrelief.

Hunger: Remembering How to Feel

IMG_5575Hunger cues are so clouded with eating disorders.  I forgot the feeling of hunger.  I am tuning more into my feeling body, instead of my thinking body.

Where do I feel hunger? There’s always info from my gut.  That’s where I feel most things, and my head.  Like, not my mind, but my temples, or round my “occipital bone” (sorry for the Kinesiology jargon but that’s whatifeelok).

My gut is a loudass woman.

I’m starting to feel the importance of meditation.  It is a path of re-feeling.  It is where space is made to silence the thoughts that are telling me to starve.  They are the thoughts that exacerbate lack, insufficiency, insignificance, self-disgust (this hurts me to type, a good sign).

When I meditate, the thoughts go away, and I feel the hunger in my tummy, I feel the gas building, tightness in my chest, and also lightness.  I feel.  itsthenewiPhone

iFeel

thisquotethingisfunonblogs

This morning, I went to do the helliptical again.  I felt more energetic, albeit still tired.  Muscles are speaking the language of plea for rest, always, god, my mind won’t have it.  I lured in a dude beside me, myracingbuddybecausehewasbesideme, to do my 10x 1min sprint @ 1min easy.  After 10 rounds, I moved on to my tempo before cooling down, still easier than the killer sprints that I wanted support in doing from dudenextdoor.  As I began winding down, he turned to me after a few minutes and said, “wow, second set of 10 sprints is harder.”

Boom ego wasalllike    : and also fomo’ing and shoulding on myself and and and.  Image result for my mind is full of fuck

You now what, I turned that shit off and went back to my feeling body that def wasn’t down to do another set.  Already, my body felt taxed and had arrived (another concept I want to discuss)  in a more recovery-based mode.  Man, I’m already doing so much, body needs love.

So that’s that, feeling more than thinking, what else is new.

Well, not this song, I don’t FEEL, but it’s new for me: