How to sit with a Binge

(starting this post with shameless self-promotion for my emotional eating workshop where Deanne and I will be sharing our insights and human honesty with our binge and emotional eating journeys)

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Was that a binge?

I’m letting myself eat.  I’m listening to my needs.  I’m realizing that even when there’s some kind of feeling telling me to nourish, even when I’m not in a state of being famished, I follow it.

Ever have what my friend once explained as “itchy teeth”?  She called it the feeling where you feel like munching on something but aren’t necessarily hungry.

It’s times like these where I have to tune into my gut, ask myself what I need.

What am I hungry for?

  • Connection?
  • Love?
  • Self-care?
  • Rest?
  • Creative expression?
  • Meaningful work?

Today, I finished lunch very aware of my craving for connection.

BUT: there are times, especially during this re-feeding, where I am actually physically needing nourishment, and in spite of my mind saying “You’ve had enough!”, body’s actually asking for nourishment.

My dear friend expressed herself after feeling like she’d overeaten, I asked her what part of her felt full, or like she’d binged.  She said her tummy wasn’t bloated, it felt comfortable and sated.  Her mind, on the other hand, didn’t want to believe that her body required that much food.

That’s the shit though, eh?  I’m hearing both voices, the mind and the soul when I eat.  I often feel like I can have an extra spoonful of peanut baetter, hummus, extra handful of nuts.  

And then, I’m full.

It’s a new feeling.

Sometimes I’m in shock at how much I am eating, and it fucking terrifies me.

My mind wants to flee, to distract, to numb.  I want to busy myself and get back to that feeling of being “in control” of how much I’ve eaten, or of how much I’ve decided my body needs.

How silly is that though!?  As IF my mind has enough say over how much nourishment my wise-ass body needs.

And so, fuck man, if I overdo it a bit, or if I’ve err’d on the side of a little too much, so what?  I’m not perfect!

The fear is in old ways of void-filling with overeating; bingeing and purging.  But my soul has found its own wisdom there to overcome that.  I’m tuning into all parts of myself; mind, body, soul.  I won’t dishonour my needs anymore.  Nor should you!

If you eat a piece of cake, or three, OK: it’s always OK–the key is to be so damn present and aware of the fact that you’re coping, that in your presence, you can be with yourself.  The whole way.  Man, that’s fucking powerful!

In the evenings, generally this is when my body speaks about if I’ve undernourished or not in the daytime.  This is when rules go out the window.  This is the scary time!  

You can’t trick your body into fake nourishment!

AMiRIGHT?!

There’s a reason for the fridge light…and nighttime #humancondition in form of binges.  This is when the body is like:  bitch please

“I’m still LE HUNGRY!”

This is when the body tries to play “catch up” with the under-nourishment, lack of nutrients, fasting.

So, it’s not willpower we lack.  It’s the idea that we can fool ourselves into in-authenticity, into being something we’re not.

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And the first things we try to do after feeling like we’ve overeaten, or if we have overeaten, or goddamn under-eaten for that matter – is run, is escape, is distract, numb: sex, self-pleasing, cigs, alcohol, work-addiction, drugs, even distracting with mindless media scrolling, which is fucked because of all the images of sculpted abs and the impossible flat tummy post-meal…we don’t want to face what our body is speaking to us.

BUT

This IS the pivotal moment to connect and to stop the binge cycle in the future!

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From Michelle Yandle Health

I’m sitting with it when I do it, I’m breathing, in lotus pose bc itsbetterfortheburps….I’m journalling.  I’m asking myself:

  • “was that too much?”
  • “Did I under-eat during the day? or even yesterday?”
  • “Did I turn away from another part of myself I needed?”
  • “Was I trying to fill a void?”

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And, after this reflection, know this:

This too shall pass.

It always does.  May we be wiser for next time.  Tune into our needs periodically so we don’t get hit with the headinthefridgesyndrome.

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I’m Moving to Victoria, BC! (and my nail is growing back) (and emotional eating workshop) shit that’s a lot

A couple of updates: I bought “by accident” a one-day ticket to Victoria, BC (where I’ve felt a damn calling for a loooooonnng time).

I’m hosting a workshop on Body Image and Emotional Eating on Sunday, Oct 15th at 1-2pm at TKVO on Dundas West, with my dear friend Deanne of My Empowered Body.

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I found a job posting on Facebook for a job that honestly hits me rightinthefeels for its fit for me.  I am sharing my application letter here, because it’s not only for this job, but for my calling in Life.  It’s a declaration of what I want to do with my life.  Rawr, here I go:

Job Description: The Organization: Providence Farm is a therapeutic farm nestled at the base of Mount Tzouhalem in the Cowichan Valley on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. Since 1979, the Vancouver Island Providence Community Association, a registered charity and non-profit society, has been operating creative and innovative programs at the Farm for adults in the Valley with mental health issues, brain injuries and development challenges. 

I am moving to Victoria, BC on November 30th, and am looking for meaningful work in my field.  I found your job posting on Facebook and am feverishly keen to apply.
I am a Certified Holistic Nutritionist from a New Zealand-based program, a Certified Yoga instructor from an India-based program, and hold my undergraduate degree in Kinesiology from the University of Western Ontario. I am an avid trail runner, and successful athlete.  I have a chronically green thumb, and am well knowledged in gardening from my blood-born generational teaching passed on from my Horticulturist father.  I am an endeavouring Holistic chef, and a warrior in mental health, having overcome Bulimia, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia Nervosa.
I am passionate about helping people, and have views in my future of a Holistic Wellness retreat centre, where nature plays an impactful role in healing.  This is one reason that your job posting hit my soul. I believe in the healing power of nature, and in having hands and feet in the earth.  The Japanese therapeutic practice of “Shinrin Yoku” or “forest bathing” is a practice I act on daily, and condone to all beings for a good life!  (This is a big reason for my move back out West, to continue facilitating my own healing.  To move to nature from the busyness and city life of Toronto where I am currently, and where I’ve grown up.)
I believe my purpose in life is to use the experiences I’ve had, along with my diverse education and knowledge gained to help facilitate people’s healing.
I’ve traveled extensively, often taking part in WWOOFING programs where permaculture is exchanged for room and board. I love this barter system and the wonderful people who I’ve met though it.  Benevolent souls are called to this realm of purpose, and I’ve been so grateful to be touched in my heart and my journey from many of them.
I’ve worked in many fields, from teaching yoga, Triathlon coaching, working at a cafe, competitive swim coaching, lifeguarding, working at a camp for kids with severe learning disabilities, to my own current endeavours at starting my own practice and business through Holistic Nutrition and life guidance.
I have an insatiable passion for self-study and development, especially around trauma-healing with regards to the psychological and physiological practices conducive of a healing practice.  In all of these positions, my passion has been deeply-cored in the one-on-one consultation aspect, and the emotional connection that is prevalent in all acts and is key to a healthy human being.  I integrate mind-body-soul techniques to bring awareness and mindfulness into everyday life, and to help people to reconnect with the present moment, and so, to themselves.
I feel as though our current society is flooded with overly-complicated and confounding consumption with distractions, and nature-soul-body connection is lost.  I believe my purpose in life is to help use my tools to catalyze healing in others.
I would be truly honoured to work alongside your team, and to have the opportunity to help others heal at Providence Farm.
I’ve attached my resume, and hope to hear from you.

(My resume is outdated, and I do apologize.  I have several postings and positions I’ve switched around and given the opportunity, I’d be thrilled to give more of my work experience).

I’m sharing this because it’s my statement to the universe, my pRoClAmAtIoN for my purpose.  May the “universe provide”, baby! #intentionsettingtingz

If anyone has any connections for work in this field out in themparts, please let a sis know, I am terrified and excited.  I’m ready to do my life’s purpose, or continue it.  I need a place to live, a good therapist for my emotional baggage (that can take me, I’ve been told before and now warn any therapist I see that I’m a tough cookie), and a jobskis.

So, since I bought my ticket, I’ve been fighting hard.  Honestly, I’ve been finishing meals NOT hungry. I’ve NOT been spending an hour in the bathroom after lunch waiting for my body to poop (an anxious reaction I am letting go of).  I’ve been wary of the external motivation for healing, but also am just renewed of my hope.  I am so excited for mountains, nature, people, to live.  I am letting go of the grip I’ve had around my own neck.  It feels like I can breathe, I’m starting to.
I just don’t give a shit anymore of the self-created struggle!
I am using the Eckharte Tolle technique of focusing on the presence of my hands, their simple presence, bringing attention to my body when my thoughts start spiralizing, and they always will.  Sometimes more than others, but feelings come and go like waves, right?  I’m accepting the highs and lows.
Yesterday, I swam, and the dude I’ve nicknamed “Thrasher look-a-like” was doggy-paddling in the FAST lane, and I swam into his heel–right in my (growing) BOOB slash pec and I’m pretty (frustratingly) fragile (styll) so, it hurt.  I was ANGRY.  I accepted the anger.  I talked to myself about it:
I’m angry. (what’s underneath this?)
I might not be able to swim tomorrow. (what’s underneath this?)
I’ll have to rearrange my training schedule when I already rode 2 days in a row and leggies are le tired…(what’s underneath this?)
I have to adapt, change from my expectations, let go of control. (what’s underneath this?)
I might have less of an intense workout.  I wanted to run on Saturday at the gym because my body is letting me run 30 mins on the dreadmill.(what’s underneath this?)
If my workout isn’t as good, then I am not in control.  I might not work as hard as I expect of myself. (what’s underneath this?)
I won’t feel as accomplished, as deserving. (what’s underneath this?)
THE FUCKING FACT THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO EARN, TO DESERVE SELF-CARE, SELF-LOVE, REST, FOOD! (WHAT’S UNDERNEATH THIS?!?!?!)
SELF LOVE ISN’T EARNED!  I DESERVE LOVE REGARDLESS!!!!! IDONTKNOWWHATWEREYELLINGABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
*****FOCUS ATTENTION ON THE PRESENCE OF MY PALMS OMMMMMM******
SO: this was the self-talk.  The intenseshits about this was that I finished lunch full – and after lunch, I was wiping the table and felt a tweak in the “boob”/pec.  A muscle niggle that was paining.  THIS made me angry.  I was angry because I was FULL AND I was angry.
Holy shit.
When I under-nourish, I am OK with feelings – anger doesn’t phase me as much.  It NUMBS.  It blunts the blow.  WAWAWEEWA.  My roommate put it this way: it’s almost like a competing pain, like, when you have a broken foot – your splinter doesn’t hurt as much.  Right?  Again, it’s an addictive coping mechanisms to numb feelings.
So instead, I sat with it.  
I didn’t like it, and today on my run, I felt constipated and crampy.  The feeling was stuck.  I am learning to process the feelings.  It’s new, it’s a process, and it’s the start.
I saw my WICKED physician yesterday way in the East end, and I have to say, she gives me hope for healthcare.  I love holistic healing and Eastern Medicine, and I also have opened my acceptance and appreciation for the healing power of Western Medicine too.  All are tools, to use sometimes, and others, other times.  Nothing is definite, nothing is permanent.
I ordered bloodwork and she PROPS’D me for this:
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This is a vulnerable one.
You know where that nail used to end? At my cuticle…That’s malnutrition…and I’m fighting it.  My nail is growing back.
Nuff said.
Please consider coming to my workshop if you feel called, it’ll be honest, it’ll be supporting, expressive, good juju.
Happy ThanksLiving!