An Open Letter of Apology

This is for myself, for you, for my parents, bro, friends.

Kelly Boaz, an Eating Disorder warrior now providing Holistic Nutrition counselling for those struggling, once told me that post-recovery (from any form of addiction or coping), comes a reintroduction of the real self to all- to the world.

I’m coming back.

(Also sorry for the camera angle…iunno…”YOLO”?)

Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”

 

Recovery is Messy

Recovery is messy,

Confusing up down stressy,

Gut-wrenching and pesky,

Is this meal brunch? Linner? Breaky?

Hotel continental breakfast salad-version at Best Western. Didn’t feel right eating the meat there…left only the saucisson.


HoWent to cousin’s beautiful wedding yesterday #bitchdidwha

Challenge and good.

Rest day today, hard AS 

Marinating on it, and sharing allthefeels soon.

Much love to whoever reads this, (I love you)

Look at those grins!


Can I eat dinner at 4:30? And I enjoy chicken skin, bone marrow, cartilage from da bird #exvegetarian

An Apology Letter To The Girls Struggling To Love Their Beautiful Bodies | Thought Catalog

Needs a repost

An Apology Letter To The Girls Struggling To Love Their Beautiful Bodies

By Shani Jay 

I’m sorry you’ve been convinced that the body you live in today doesn’t quite measure up. That you now believe your breasts need to fill a certain cup size, that your thighs must not meet each other, and your frame needs to mimic that of the women you don’t know but scroll past on Instagram every day.

I’m sorry for all the times you get out of the shower, catch a glimpse of your naked self in the mirror, and look at the reflection starring back at you in disgust, before instantly diverting your eyes elsewhere.

And I’m sorry that you’ve been made to see those dimples etched on the back of your thighs, the stretch marks trailing your belly, and the imperfectness of your body as ugly.

I’m sorry that you’re now unable to enjoy food the way you did as a little girl. That your mind is constantly obsessing over every calorie consumed, counting every bite that you take in, and panicking about gaining the tiniest bit of weight.

Maybe food has now become a go-to comfort for you, a drug that helps you temporarily feel better and forget about how deeply unhappy you are within yourself. Or maybe it has become a source of control, and you’ve learned to ignore those hunger pains, which grow louder every day.

I’m sorry that you spend the majority of your day feeling un-desirable, un-worthy and struggling to fit in to this world.

I’m sorry for all of those times someone said something cruel to you about the way you look, and that you decided to believe them. And I’m sorry that you carry around all of those words in the back of your mind today as a constant reminder that the woman you are is not, and will never be, good enough.

I’m sorry that you don’t believe your body is deserving of love. That you think you have to settle for anyone who takes an interest in you, because who are you to think you can do any better than that?

I’m sorry you now allow people to mistreat you and cause you pain because you think it’s your fault. You think that if only you had a smaller waist, a slender figure or a flatter stomach then you’d be deserving of someone better – someone who truly loves you for all that you are, inside and out.

But it’s not your fault. It’s not your problem. It’s our problem.

It’s our problem that women die every day from starving themselves because they believe they need to be thinner.

It’s our problem that young girls are made to feel like they need to crash diet or get cosmetic surgery so they can look like the models and celebrities they see on social media.

It’s our problem that most women are unhappy with their bodies.

And it breaks my heart that chances are you are one of them.

Because it shouldn’t be this way.

We shouldn’t aspire to look like clones of one another. We shouldn’t be unhealthily obsessing over our figures, and mutilating our bodies in order to mentally go from an average 7, to a 9 out of 10. We shouldn’t be placing so much value on something that isn’t going to last and has no real bearing on who you really are. 

So I ask you today to remove yourself from this competition that none of us women ever agreed to in the first place.

I ask you to love your body exactly as it is today, and remember all of the wonderful things it allows you to do.

And I ask you to make a promise to yourself to be more tolerant of those bodies you’ve been taught to recognize as ugly – especially if that body belongs to you. TC mark

Shani Jay

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shani-jayawardena/2017/07/an-apology-letter-to-the-girls-struggling-to-love-their-beautiful-bodies/

She Let Go

My first rest day in months. Usually I’d do yoga, I don’t even feel like yoga. Might not. I don’t feel like doing anything (fuck that Bruno Rawrz song, man). Woke up headachy and actually able to feel all the aches in my body. They’re always there, but today, I’m actually feeling them and they’re so “there”. I’m also hungry. So here’s a poem for today, bless you Shannon Mujagic

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

~ Rev. Safire Rose

Hunger: Remembering How to Feel

IMG_5575Hunger cues are so clouded with eating disorders.  I forgot the feeling of hunger.  I am tuning more into my feeling body, instead of my thinking body.

Where do I feel hunger? There’s always info from my gut.  That’s where I feel most things, and my head.  Like, not my mind, but my temples, or round my “occipital bone” (sorry for the Kinesiology jargon but that’s whatifeelok).

My gut is a loudass woman.

I’m starting to feel the importance of meditation.  It is a path of re-feeling.  It is where space is made to silence the thoughts that are telling me to starve.  They are the thoughts that exacerbate lack, insufficiency, insignificance, self-disgust (this hurts me to type, a good sign).

When I meditate, the thoughts go away, and I feel the hunger in my tummy, I feel the gas building, tightness in my chest, and also lightness.  I feel.  itsthenewiPhone

iFeel

thisquotethingisfunonblogs

This morning, I went to do the helliptical again.  I felt more energetic, albeit still tired.  Muscles are speaking the language of plea for rest, always, god, my mind won’t have it.  I lured in a dude beside me, myracingbuddybecausehewasbesideme, to do my 10x 1min sprint @ 1min easy.  After 10 rounds, I moved on to my tempo before cooling down, still easier than the killer sprints that I wanted support in doing from dudenextdoor.  As I began winding down, he turned to me after a few minutes and said, “wow, second set of 10 sprints is harder.”

Boom ego wasalllike    : and also fomo’ing and shoulding on myself and and and.  Image result for my mind is full of fuck

You now what, I turned that shit off and went back to my feeling body that def wasn’t down to do another set.  Already, my body felt taxed and had arrived (another concept I want to discuss)  in a more recovery-based mode.  Man, I’m already doing so much, body needs love.

So that’s that, feeling more than thinking, what else is new.

Well, not this song, I don’t FEEL, but it’s new for me:

 

Feeling

The past two weeks are nuts, I don’t know the catalyst, maybe meeting Jill (hypothalamic amenorrhea warrior and spokesperson), or deleting my facebook and instagram accounts after reccos from my naturopath, or just being so fucking sick and tired of being tired and sick, and the warm weather having me craving LIFE (patio caesars, group trail runs, camp fire hangs, going out dancing round town like #awomanofthenight and doing the damn hair whip or something, the sexymenoutofhidingsportingmanbuns n tingz….but I am aware of my feelings more than ever.

I am so sick of analyzing my past and seeing why the hell I starve myself or control my life so damn much, but I want to live by my intuition, not self-inflicted routines implemented by my mind.  I know what I want:

Use my mind as a tool to listen to my bodytalk.

I haven’t been so vocal about this experience of change because it’s overwhelming me in emotions and feelings vs thoughts and words.  It’s the experience of living through my body instead of my mind.  I am frustrated though because in this process I have such overwhelm of #mymindisfulloffuck like, just #ALLTHEFEELS #nahmean?  People will only understand if they have gone through this stuff.  It’s so blinding where I came from and so enlightening and fear-free where I’m going.

I had a rad experience yesterday at the Telus store at Dufferin Mall.  I met Shad (ifyoudon’tknow…yourewelcome).  It was great, he’s a solid dude, great flow, and a local from London, ON.  We had a great conversation about life concepts, starting with the addiction to being online.  I bluntly told him about my struggles with Disordered Eating, and he was so honest in expressing how the stigma against body image talk was so prevalent among males that it isolates, and shuts off any feelings men might have.  The alientation and disregard of body image among men is huge.  I can’t imagine, because even as a female, I feel as though the talk about body image is big online, but unless you’re a member of a specific group, day-to-day talk is slim (nopunintended…thistime…).  And it’s fucked because it starts from a small seed of self-harming beliefs at a young age, and catapults.  I want to help girls to recognize early on this habit, and help initiate body-mind-celebration to infiltrate a healthy seat of soul.

It was so warming to hear such an icon like Shad expressing vulnerability and that he too has experienced and observed insecurity and self-deprecation among men.  It’s a thing, and I know that my disconnect from my own feelings are what led me here.  Reconnecting through FEELING is important.  I am currently fighting by telling myself “don’t think, just do” because as soon as my monkey mind starts to implement self-doubt, I make harmful choices.  When I observe a feeling, I say “don’t think, just do” and follow through.  For example, after my training, I’ll immediate come and eat something.  I know that if I think, I’ll easily talk myself out of it, but by breathing and saying that mantra, I act on the impulse.

That’s what’s up.

Feel me?