I am a little bit of “holy shit”, and I say that amicably. Yesterday, I approached a gentleman smoking at a cafe and bluntly invited him to punch me in the neck via nosily asking him why he smokes.
You see, I’m fascinated about the nature of addiction, (even The Man, Gabor Mate expresses in that vid that he has a hard time stopping a meal…and experiences “fear of end of meal”-syndrome, #nahmean?) and I offered amicable banter via an inquiry about his attraction to smoking, when he knows it’s not good for him. ( I was clear about my intentions being directly reflecting my own addictions with food.)
We chatted, my neck was spared, (thanks, man) and he was a rad warrior of a human being. His story was great, having battled addiction in life. He said he was aware of the dangers of smoking, just as I am aware of the dangers of restriction. He is enlisted to quit, and he damn sure will. He said that his battles of addiction stem from an avoidance of pain. (long story short bc aintnobodygottimeforlongblogposts…similar to when looking for a recipe online…and the “prologue” to the ingredients is a novel….bloggers who have the “skip to recipe” button are angels).
My blog post about wanting to feel my pain was big emotionally, and now after speaking with him, I’ve realized what Bulimia served, and what Anorexia is serving for me now: as much as my being is craving to feel my pain, there is a part of me that is equally as resistant to feeling it. Man, Anorexia is serving to keep me out of presence for the exact reason of avoiding pain.
Honestly, I can’t believe that this is hitting me now as awareness. I’ve read about this so many times, but it totally just clicked yesterday, not too dissimilar from how you “just click” when you learn how to find your stroke in swimming. You just click that “downward dog” is the pose that dogs really do….maybe that was just me….took me a while…or that dogs are in a permanent push-up position…Life’s so strange that way, that we can read things so many times, but when they “click” it’s like a veil is lifted, it’s like a good poop.
And so, I called a good friend last night as I finished dinner still hungry.
I realized that when I restrict, it’s because I’m pretty damn good at controlling so that I’m just undernourished enough to be able to plan my next meal, to routinize and “time-fill” because if I am sated and present, fuck, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. There’s almost this non-reality of living in a haze when I’m still hungry, and it’s total numbing. It’s non-rational thinking because my cells are in survival mode. It’s a way of living under intoxication.
I don’t feel like I know myself, and I’m learning to love myself. I am so scared to sit with a full belly, probably bloated (because eating disorders fuck with your gut- and no amount of kraut will heal that shit…it’s gotta come from inside, the seat of self-love, where I’ll no longer self-sabotage), knowing that I’ll be gaining weight, and in spite of it not being about the physical appearance, it’s the act of being in a state of treating myself well while respecting my needs.
I am scared to not punish myself. I am scared to accept that I deserve to be healthy. Omg, I’ve grown up my whole life feeling like a loser and I’m terrified to defy that belief. I’m scared to sit with satiety and fight the inner voice that says I’m: gross, ugly, unworthy, useless…never good enough.
So today, I had a private swim training client, and it felt fucking good to be in my element like when I coached out in Vancouver. I really “get” the swim technique, and I love helping other people. She was so lovely, and it felt really good to be authentically in a healthy state of helping. I’ve realized that I’ve been walking on eggshells in Anorexia and Bulimia, not living. I’ve been waiting for life. I’ve been passing time in a numb state to Life, and that’s why my efforts to find my passion or a fucking job are useless because the initiatives aren’t authentic – they’re literally just a distraction until my next meal. I haven’t been in a healthy state in so damn long, and the universebelike:
Glennon Doyle Melton: huge. If you want to learn more, these two videos were epic in my moments of realization yesterday. If you have interest in these, watch them. Please, for yourself.
Thank you Claire, and Deanne for passing them along and for the fucking amazing universe for this.
Sitting with fullness is going to fucking suck. But you know what sucks more? The idea of living this half-ass-one-cheeked-bony-bummed life for the rest of my existence.
And so to that life, I say, “Bitch please!”
Also: Sonya, my god, you made my day. And a continued thank you for all the love, it’s mind-blowing. Thank you for helping me fight, from my whole heart!