Rib Fractures Suck

It’s been 12 days since I’ve done any physical activity apart from (slowly) walking, and I just started doing some squattings.

This is HARD.  I’ve taken training breaks before from injury, but never been THIS incapacitated.  In the past, I’ve been able to do some strength work, but this is HARD.

Yesterday, I met with a strong group of my close friends as a goodbye before I leave on Thursday to live my life out in British Columbia.  It was absolutely incredible.

The sweetest part of viewing the blessings of the family you choose, aka, your friends, is that with whom we surround ourselves, are a direct reflection of us.

So maybs I’m self-horn-tooting, but like, that means we’re all just really damn cool people!

I took a second while we were all sitting together cozy like in a cafe, to look and observe at the scene:Steve-Carell-Smile-Crying.gif

And thought how grateful I was to have all these phenomenal human beings in my life.  I don’t usually do gatherings like this, I don’t often celebrate my birthday with friends.  But I really wanted to have a goodbye to the close people who are always with me wherever I go.

It was incredible.  Thank you all.

We talked the beauty of nature, and they were so supportive and loving of how they felt I belonged in the woods #wherenoonehearsmyfartsbutthetrees

Screen shot 2017-11-26 at 8.31.10 AM

I cannot wait to be in nature.  I forgot how much I’ve missed and needed it.  It’s been so long since I’ve been humbled by rugged trail and peace.  Toronto is loud and busy.

My rib is healing slow.  In this time, my mental strength is being tested, as well as my intuition.  I’m learning to hear my body, and live presently so that I can honour my needs.  As I’ve not trained in so long, it is a tricky time often to hear the restrictive voice of my mind with my old coping, and tell it to STFU.  Honestly, fuck the weight, fuck the struggle.  I don’t have energy enough to care for restriction and a half ass-life.

Nature, being out there, really puts the present moment in focus.  It takes away the mindgames we play, and puts real life right here and now.  There’s no time or space for restriction.  The body is totally our conduit for the experience, and is must be honoured or else, no experience.  Simple as that!

I’m eating and fuck it, I am getting healthy, in rest, and my body has done this for a reason.  The body always communicates with us.  Right now, it’s telling me to chill.  I’ve actually started watching Netflix for the first time (thank you Corinne).

I miss feeling physically strong, truly.  I feel at loss.  I won’t jeopardize my healing before I leave on Thursday (Nov 30th) to my new life out west.  The mountains are waiting for me, and I’ll climb em soon enough.  But right now, I chill, heal, rest.

How Nature Heals

Brene Brown explains in her book Rising Strong, that our brains like to find certainty in things over correct facts.  This is big.  This is why we easily fall back onto our default stories when we face conflict, or our default coping mechanisms when we face things we are not expecting.

We don’t like uncertainty.

So, I had a great interview for a beautiful retreat centre in Tofino this morning.  The Homestead has wicked values, holistic views of health, and after chatting with Cheryl, one of the owners who has phenomenal values as a nurse embodying easter and western philosophies of healing– I learned about a concept called Blue Mind.

Blue Mind: A mildly meditative state characterized by calm, peace, unity, and a sense of general happiness and satisfaction with life in the moment. 

[https://experiencelife.com/article/blue-mind/]

It’s a concept about how the mind is effortlessly calmed when attention is engaged around water.  It’s not too dissimilar from the concept Shinrin Yoku (“forest bathing”/nature therapy) that I am head over heels in love and living.

The basics of this concept that The Homestead integrates into their program design, is that as the mind gets engaged in observing the flux of nature, it doesn’t draw on the grasping definity that often is initiated in busy city life (that Brene describes).  In the city, there’s maximum unpredictability; traffic, loud unnatural sounds, things we can’t control.  Although nature is similarly untamed, it has a certain level of ebb and flow that rubs on our psyche with predictability.

Waves come crashing and flow into flat water.
Clouds billow with the wind, patterning a sky with pillows for birds.

In a natural environment on or near water, there’s a high degree of predictability — unlike a busy street, a body of water is largely the same from moment to moment. The background we see is fairly controlled, which allows part of the brain to relax.

Against that consistent background, the brain continues to search for something that wasn’t there before, since the essence of survival is the correct interpretation of things that don’t fit in the landscape. When the brain notices a disturbance on the surface (like a wave or a water bird), there’s a sense of surprise and novelty, which is accompanied by a pleasurable hit of dopamine.

Because bodies of water change and stay the same simultaneously, we experience both soothing familiarity and stimulating novelty when we look at them. This is regularity without monotony, the perfect recipe for triggering a state of involuntary attention in which the brain’s default network — essential to creativity and problem solving — gets triggered. This dreamy state of involuntary attention is a key characteristic of Blue Mind.

[https://experiencelife.com/article/blue-mind/]

This is so cool.  This is why our bodies need nature, this is why I’d sit by a lake (most) any day over watching (even) Mitch Hedberg on youtube as relaxation.  I mean, there’s place and purpose for all things in life, so not to discount The Man by any means, but hey – if we’re at least 60+% water, why not sit by it and breathe for a bit instead of busying ourselves to over-engaging!

(and wish me luck for the job – oh it feels right)

We’ll be long Don, and still I rise

Give me trills from Sparrows And Woodpecker drills

Give me buzzing from humming birds, stilled over flowers 

Give me some two-pitched low-high loon calls

Give me dewy blades so I can dance on them with my toes

Give me fish-shit and composting leaves on lakes bottom

Give me rich bush, wealthy with tree trunks and whispers of Chaga

Give me my thumping heart, drumming against my chest saying I’m alive and sup’ bear

Ah, fuck it, give me a damn mosquito blood-suck on my ass

I’d rather a leech on my back than pay Government tax

Give me shook-walls from thunder

No power, but what’s ‘power’ in woods?

Does a bear cub ever think they’re too fat?

Give me solace in soft moss

Caressing my toes

A leaf to blow my nose

Take me where river flows

That’s power

Nature shows 

Trump vs Avalanche?

What would our Mother think?

Picture update

Hike at Kartuzy Lodge I did daily while at my cottage, 20 min-back, perfect for moving on my non-training bout of last week Tuesday-Friday

Unshelling fresh hazelnuts I picked off a tree

Pit(a) stop “chicken” salad from Pita pit…n**** gotta eat (not organic, def GMO…I let go)

Foraging

My backyard in The Hood #Scarborough

That flower’s edible…right?

How I do burgers

Not a duplicate, two different days, habit creature, hey

Don’t Think, Just Do

Video

I’m posting this vid pretty vulnerably…man, I know I’m thin, but it’s hard to feel skinny.  I can feel unwell, but to feel skinny?  That’s different.  Seeing this video, I can see myself, and damn, I’m too skinny 😦  I don’t like it!

Yesterday, I had a wicked conversation with my neighbour about how she overcame similar struggles with Anorexia.  She pinned it down to:

  • Awareness
  • Belonging (working outdoors at a forestry camp one summer)
  • Coping skills for anxiety (decreasing anxious thought patterns)

She expressed the liberation she found when she realized how fleeting our times on this earth is, as she observed life and death around her, and she was sick of being so bony and drained, all the time.  She needed energy for the job outside, and she didn’t feel good at her weight.  The endless cycle of restriction, compulsive exercising, and chronically high cortisol led her to say “I’ve had enough!” and so, she let go.

It’s a blessing whenever I can gain insight from the journey of people, making me feel not alone in this.  It’s so easy to feel alone.  But I’m totally not, and everyone is a warrior, in some way or another.

Trucking on, see you when I have a bum.

 

In reply to Jill from “A Case Of The Jills” https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLJC… re: getting your period back after H.A., by exercising less and eating more. This vid is about the monkey mind of someone with an eating disorder and how to silence the voices that started the problem in the beginning. (Healing the “SOURCE” is a totally different ball game).