Something I’m working on: “being” “embodied” before I respond. OM (but really, tho).
*Note: I acknowledge that this isn’t always possible, and that is something that makes it v powerful and important. (IMHO)
I’m not an airy mindfulness yogi kinda feather-waving somefingsomefing.
I believe in the law of attraction, and I enjoy quality mindfulness-awareness quotes and figures. Abraham Hicks is one. I don’t understand fully the whole idea of him/her (?) being a “medium”, or what “it” (?) really is…but I know that I find this video both witty, funny, and damn powerful. The whole idea is pretty much founded upon this concept brilliantly quoted by “guru” (?) Hedberg:
I’m tired of following my dreams man, I’m just going to ask em where they’re heading and hook up with them later.
Check this out, it’s worth it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSGqY7fmMOc
It’s the idea that when we come from a place of wanting, we’re literally living in a space of lack. We’re pretty much in a waiting game of life, tiptoeing in hesitation for what we believe will save us to a happy life. This video talks about letting go of the chasing for a little bit, and believing we can be happy exactly where we are. In this space, we’re actually feeling so much better, that we unblock ourselves from our own barriers from getting what we are wanting in the first place. I totally get this. I’m learning to be happy with a bloated belly, as well as after a good poop #feelme?
Life is what happens when we’re busy making other plans. I’d prefer to feel good than to feel pain while waiting for some kind of self-made utopia in my mind that I’ll be happy when_______________.
To be present is so not scary.
Slowly, I isolated myself from life, from fear of my bulimia and binge purge ways. Mindless. Habit and routine waked me from the hollow centre of a pit, stringently noosing my neck as I dug my nails deep in resistance. Slowly, the control of timely eating, routined meals and portions and also that of refueling without going for ages without nourishment falsely gave me a sense of control. In a way, it was a survival tactic to pull me out of Bulimia. It worked.
Now, though, I am more aware, and there is no fear of binge-purge ways. I am a Nutritionist, a coach, and a lover of helping others find self-love. But I need to live that shit first. Slowly, with presence, fucking presence, I will watch my ways and choose other ones. I will observe my body cues prior to the mind tempting me to restrict and follow the patterns that are so ingrained in me. I have innate natural intuition, as do we all, and it is always available with presence. Where do I feel the sensation in my body when I make choices? So often, I have zero awareness of the body language my muscles skin and bones are hinting at me. It is always there, again and again I slowly feel that shit. Instead of monotonizing my life, sabotaging my body and disregarding its voice, I am listening. Bloated? Needing love? What nourishment do I need?
Lately, I am finding that I need cooked foods. Rajasic state, anxiety and hyper-arousal which catapults me out of the present moment and way out of my window of tolerance are what result with vinegary salads that some part of me craves. Perhaps it’s the part of me that is desperate to FEEL. I am awakening to just how suppressed my true feelings are. I am afraid. I am afraid to trust myself. It’s been so long since I’ve honoured my true body signals and my true needs. Nourishment is holistic; it encompasses Life.
Connection, with others and the self, is a need not filled falsely or fleetingly by food. God, listening deep gives such insight onto this! Mel, my dear woman, no phone at the table! (soon this will be easier, first comes at dinner, then no longer will I even WANT the phone at the table).
Every addiction has a cause and a source. Removing the addiction does nothing unless the source is healed. So fuck, no phone at table? What does the phone at the table serve for me? I am well aware of the detriments of lack of awareness. I feel that the phone fills a void of control and lack of connection and engagement in life, so I concentrate my “high” at meals with distraction, hyper and hypo arousal via glued to instagram or reading blogs. Hmmm, as I learn what I need, I will see that I seek those meaningful connections outside of mealtimes. I feel so much better after a meal that is mindfully consumed and peacefully sated when I listen to my intuitive eating knowledge. My body responds with sound digestion, calm gut, and no need to escape myself or run away. And in this way, I heal from The Shit.
And now, begins yoga.