Fear body

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I’m having a [shit] day.

Ran yday trails headlamp pouring rain was nice but calf sore at end and foot and was afraid of bones & looking forward to seeing my physio today and she had to cancel bc her doggo strikethrough baby had emerg vet in van (feels for her!!!!).

No tests show that it’s a stress frac but my anxiety is v high not seeing her.

Morning swim had me feeling so drained and some rhomboid/radiating pec tightness (body’s warning sign).

Must ground myself and meet the needs that parts of me feel aren’t met. Must edge slowly towards the fear, beginning in the state of being in India.


Bone strengthening protocol

Because I believe it’s possible to reverse my DEXA bone scan from -4 to 0.

Journal entry for today:

4:59am F D18:

Slept early and up early

Tomo is mulled wine


Weightlifting 🏋️‍♀️for bones 🦴


It’s not too late

The body is incredible

The body is incredibly powerful and it has a lot more strength than you think

I’m tired

My body thinks I’m menopausal right now.

It doesn’t trust me.

Recalibrate, then get strong.

Already holding onto fat stores for pseudo-famine.

Email to my medical team:

1 week of daily:

***no fasted bike
• 1 hr cycling/swim

• 2-3x bone strengthening protocol exercises

• 10 mins core work

2nd week:

***no fasted bike

• alternating between 1hr swim/bike and 30 mins bike with 30 mins gym weight lifting

• 2-3x bone strengthening protocol exercises

• 10 mins core work

This would be very hard for me but I need to do this.

More data:

There are three fundamental rules that govern bone adaptation:

(1) It is driven by dynamic, rather than static, loading.

(2) Only a short duration of mechanical loading is necessary to initiate an adaptive response.

(3) Bone cells accommodate to a customary mechanical loading environment, making them less responsive to routine loading signals.



Disconnected from my body

Ugh feel like eating is just such an inconvenience. Life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to eat 😏

I feel so disconnected from my own hunger cues and am finding that I just go from not hungry to literally starving.

I have to reconnect with my body.

***Also: I had an intense workout on the stairmonster today and actually scared myself at my strength and ability to override exhaustion. In contrast, yesterday was an easy swim and my standard AM Bike. Honestly, I felt ill all day today whereas I felt energized yesterday. My body didn’t well-tolerate the high cortisol of today and I’m glad I recognized it. Tomorrow will be easy. ***

Fasted Cardio


  • Adding high cortisol to already high cortisol (stress + stress).
  • When I wake up hungry, my fasted ride feels so much harder than when fuelled.
  • I feel like my last meal of the day has so much pressure on it, and compensates my sleep/recovery.
  • Is a trauma-related reaction. Not driven by love/athletic-performance intent.
  • Is starting to let go of me.