Conditionally Fuelling

screen shot 2019-01-24 at 3.04.13 pm

Am I under-recovered because of over-training? 

Or am I under-fuelled?

I’m curious about where the fatigue is originating: is it from too many hard sessions and not enough rest, or is it from straight-up not eating enough?

I’m questioning this because I feel like I’m overtraining slash under-recovered this past couple of weeks.  I feel like it is related to mental stress, along with not eating enough.  And it freaks me out: my body is feeling like it’s tight after my runs, when it used to be more loose and ready to go the next training session.  My motivation is also waning.

This is sitting with, and hitting me hard: the catch-22 of not feeling strong enough to train, and then wanting to eat less, and at the same time feeling that BY eating more, I’ll be able to train better, recover better, and feel better.

But the fear comes when I condition eating upon training: I want to feel totally in control of training outcome relating to intake of fuel.

I chatted with a friend about this: sometimes after a harder session I have no appetite, and then sometimes when I’ve rested, I’m ravenous.  And this both confuses and frustrates me.  Also when food is tied to emotional attachment: I enjoy eating.  

I enjoy eating and then pair happiness with food, and then food with training.  So the three factors become clusterfucked in a web of pleasure-seeking, highs and deserving.

I become afraid of the space between the highs, and attach to the feeling of wanting to be the sole proprietor controlling when I can get those highs, and control how big of a space separates them so that I can leave the unknown factor (which is fear-evoking) out of the equation.

Perfectly planned and predictable highs.

Fear sets in when I have completely satisfied hunger with food, and don’t know when my body will again be able to “get high”.

The issue here is the association of pleasure and highs with food.  Food is tricky though, because as much as it is a fuel, it is also an enjoyment.  I think the balance of equanimity around attaching to the high is where I victimize myself to suffering.  When I put so much weight on the seeking of pleasure via food, depletion, repletion, and ultimately control of “nourishment” in all senses of the word, that I’m like an addict seeking sensation with bouts of in between numbness.

Why?

Because unlimited space freaks parts of me out.  Being sated, having balance, in a way, being in a state of calm, without knowing that a stress is nearby, without knowing which state is upcoming- be it high or low; this is scary.  In this state of seeking, I am not present, nor do parts of me want to be.

I’m watching these thoughts arise, and how they infringe on my training, on my happiness, on my freedom; on my Life.

It’s like I want to have an eye on the drug at all times, knowing where it is, being able to know when I can use it, whenever I please.

In this way, I’m standing in my own way of being able to eat, train, life intuitively, from a place of trusting my body.

I’m afraid of eating enough and then not wanting to train.  I’m afraid of training easily and eating enough to supplement it, and then having space to be and to sit in a state of health.  Because that means balance, and that means what.  Whoa.

What if by eating enough, I lose my motive to train?
What if I get “lazy”?
What if I don’t get hungry and have my peanut butter in the evening (my high)?
What if I eat the peanut butter, but don’t feel like training hard the next day?
What if I have to stop training or lower intensity, while at the same time eating enough, in order to regain my period?

Lots of feels. In the end, I know my damn wise-ass soul knows.  I trust it.  I really do, and want to break these mind-habits that have formed.  There are runs when I feel so liberated, and so in flow that I’m living from a place of harmony with myself.  More and more these moments, both with and without running, are liberating me.  Disordered pairing of eating and pleasure and depletion and exercise are maladaptive coping mechanisms that I experience.  And the windows of freedom in-between are like air from the freshest Alpine mountains, ever.

I am not ok

My indoor bike trainer is on its last limbs, and today she broke.

I knew I shouldn’t have…but I am hungry for trails, for it so I ran. I regret it:


I’m tired of whining. But this sucks and I want to punch a hole through a wall.

I’m grateful

Ya humkshiy and that’s supposed to say bullshit fucking autocorrect you oi de of shut

I hobbled to a physio around the corner and the “Ottawa” somethingsomething test said no X-ray needed (thank you “God”? Or whatever). But I am so sad.

Life’s like “take a break”!

I feel like I needed to affirm, ok “I” here is huge “Ego”: needed to affirm my strength in running before I gave myself rest. Like, I’ve been watching all the runners in BC winning things and climbing mountains like this: (dloaded StumbleUpon on my phone to self-explore things that interest me- other than mindlessly scrolling on IG, or playing on Bumble…but: 

Should have cropped this but dontcareatm

Here’s the love I’m searching for (thanks StumbleUpon ❤️):


Goddamn it I gotta eat, man.

I am resting now. I am a strong runner, today showed that in my stride, bitchgotit. I don’t need to prove myself anymore. I just am, I am that I am ok Wayne dyer!?

May he rest peacefully with louise hay

Help help me help I can help myself.

Such a post. That is mknkey mind. But hey, no break in bone, soft tissue sprain, saystheottawasomethingsomethingtest

That’s ok

I guess I’ll work on my catering website now

I have a dietitian appointment check in soon and feel very much like not doing it but isn’t it the most important exactly now? My coping is totally food related- so anti healing – in this injury, ED voice is like “don’t eat as much”, but fuck that right? The cycle gotta end somewhere. Why not here and now? I’m going to have blood sausage for dinner still bc that shits good and I feel good after eating it. Too many salads is what my tum is saying.

Anyone want to drink some wine with me? Do some pranayama? I cookforyou

Rawr.

If anyone has any jokes, good videos to watch, toilet humour…dodge memes….I’m acceptingdonationsinformofcomedicrelief.

Why fight?

I remember every time I’d toe the start line in a race, I’d have this thought always in my head: “WHY?!”

First trail race in BC posing w some pros

Then, after I’d crossed the finish line I’d think, “That’s why.”

This video magnificently breathes the challenge of any and all Life’s throws: mine ATM is an eating disorder and I’m going to apply this exact ferocity both for recovery, and for my rugged, raw, relishing and resplendent reunion with trail running. Thank you