(starting this post with shameless self-promotion for my emotional eating workshop where Deanne and I will be sharing our insights and human honesty with our binge and emotional eating journeys)
Was that a binge?
I’m letting myself eat. I’m listening to my needs. I’m realizing that even when there’s some kind of feeling telling me to nourish, even when I’m not in a state of being famished, I follow it.
Ever have what my friend once explained as “itchy teeth”? She called it the feeling where you feel like munching on something but aren’t necessarily hungry.
It’s times like these where I have to tune into my gut, ask myself what I need.
What am I hungry for?
- Creative expression?
- Meaningful work?
Today, I finished lunch very aware of my craving for connection.
BUT: there are times, especially during this re-feeding, where I am actually physically needing nourishment, and in spite of my mind saying “You’ve had enough!”, body’s actually asking for nourishment.
My dear friend expressed herself after feeling like she’d overeaten, I asked her what part of her felt full, or like she’d binged. She said her tummy wasn’t bloated, it felt comfortable and sated. Her mind, on the other hand, didn’t want to believe that her body required that much food.
That’s the shit though, eh? I’m hearing both voices, the mind and the soul when I eat. I often feel like I can have an extra spoonful of peanut baetter, hummus, extra handful of nuts.
And then, I’m full.
It’s a new feeling.
Sometimes I’m in shock at how much I am eating, and it fucking terrifies me.
My mind wants to flee, to distract, to numb. I want to busy myself and get back to that feeling of being “in control” of how much I’ve eaten, or of how much I’ve decided my body needs.
How silly is that though!? As IF my mind has enough say over how much nourishment my wise-ass body needs.
And so, fuck man, if I overdo it a bit, or if I’ve err’d on the side of a little too much, so what? I’m not perfect!
The fear is in old ways of void-filling with overeating; bingeing and purging. But my soul has found its own wisdom there to overcome that. I’m tuning into all parts of myself; mind, body, soul. I won’t dishonour my needs anymore. Nor should you!
If you eat a piece of cake, or three, OK: it’s always OK–the key is to be so damn present and aware of the fact that you’re coping, that in your presence, you can be with yourself. The whole way. Man, that’s fucking powerful!
In the evenings, generally this is when my body speaks about if I’ve undernourished or not in the daytime. This is when rules go out the window. This is the scary time!
You can’t trick your body into fake nourishment!
There’s a reason for the fridge light…and nighttime #humancondition in form of binges. This is when the body is like:
“I’m still LE HUNGRY!”
This is when the body tries to play “catch up” with the under-nourishment, lack of nutrients, fasting.
So, it’s not willpower we lack. It’s the idea that we can fool ourselves into in-authenticity, into being something we’re not.
And the first things we try to do after feeling like we’ve overeaten, or if we have overeaten, or goddamn under-eaten for that matter – is run, is escape, is distract, numb: sex, self-pleasing, cigs, alcohol, work-addiction, drugs, even distracting with mindless media scrolling, which is fucked because of all the images of sculpted abs and the impossible flat tummy post-meal…we don’t want to face what our body is speaking to us.
This IS the pivotal moment to connect and to stop the binge cycle in the future!
I’m sitting with it when I do it, I’m breathing, in lotus pose bc itsbetterfortheburps….I’m journalling. I’m asking myself:
- “was that too much?”
- “Did I under-eat during the day? or even yesterday?”
- “Did I turn away from another part of myself I needed?”
- “Was I trying to fill a void?”
And, after this reflection, know this:
This too shall pass.
It always does. May we be wiser for next time. Tune into our needs periodically so we don’t get hit with the headinthefridgesyndrome.