Conditionally Fuelling

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Am I under-recovered because of over-training? 

Or am I under-fuelled?

I’m curious about where the fatigue is originating: is it from too many hard sessions and not enough rest, or is it from straight-up not eating enough?

I’m questioning this because I feel like I’m overtraining slash under-recovered this past couple of weeks.  I feel like it is related to mental stress, along with not eating enough.  And it freaks me out: my body is feeling like it’s tight after my runs, when it used to be more loose and ready to go the next training session.  My motivation is also waning.

This is sitting with, and hitting me hard: the catch-22 of not feeling strong enough to train, and then wanting to eat less, and at the same time feeling that BY eating more, I’ll be able to train better, recover better, and feel better.

But the fear comes when I condition eating upon training: I want to feel totally in control of training outcome relating to intake of fuel.

I chatted with a friend about this: sometimes after a harder session I have no appetite, and then sometimes when I’ve rested, I’m ravenous.  And this both confuses and frustrates me.  Also when food is tied to emotional attachment: I enjoy eating.  

I enjoy eating and then pair happiness with food, and then food with training.  So the three factors become clusterfucked in a web of pleasure-seeking, highs and deserving.

I become afraid of the space between the highs, and attach to the feeling of wanting to be the sole proprietor controlling when I can get those highs, and control how big of a space separates them so that I can leave the unknown factor (which is fear-evoking) out of the equation.

Perfectly planned and predictable highs.

Fear sets in when I have completely satisfied hunger with food, and don’t know when my body will again be able to “get high”.

The issue here is the association of pleasure and highs with food.  Food is tricky though, because as much as it is a fuel, it is also an enjoyment.  I think the balance of equanimity around attaching to the high is where I victimize myself to suffering.  When I put so much weight on the seeking of pleasure via food, depletion, repletion, and ultimately control of “nourishment” in all senses of the word, that I’m like an addict seeking sensation with bouts of in between numbness.

Why?

Because unlimited space freaks parts of me out.  Being sated, having balance, in a way, being in a state of calm, without knowing that a stress is nearby, without knowing which state is upcoming- be it high or low; this is scary.  In this state of seeking, I am not present, nor do parts of me want to be.

I’m watching these thoughts arise, and how they infringe on my training, on my happiness, on my freedom; on my Life.

It’s like I want to have an eye on the drug at all times, knowing where it is, being able to know when I can use it, whenever I please.

In this way, I’m standing in my own way of being able to eat, train, life intuitively, from a place of trusting my body.

I’m afraid of eating enough and then not wanting to train.  I’m afraid of training easily and eating enough to supplement it, and then having space to be and to sit in a state of health.  Because that means balance, and that means what.  Whoa.

What if by eating enough, I lose my motive to train?
What if I get “lazy”?
What if I don’t get hungry and have my peanut butter in the evening (my high)?
What if I eat the peanut butter, but don’t feel like training hard the next day?
What if I have to stop training or lower intensity, while at the same time eating enough, in order to regain my period?

Lots of feels. In the end, I know my damn wise-ass soul knows.  I trust it.  I really do, and want to break these mind-habits that have formed.  There are runs when I feel so liberated, and so in flow that I’m living from a place of harmony with myself.  More and more these moments, both with and without running, are liberating me.  Disordered pairing of eating and pleasure and depletion and exercise are maladaptive coping mechanisms that I experience.  And the windows of freedom in-between are like air from the freshest Alpine mountains, ever.

Bang Head Here

Grasping: the act of holding on to something, anything, under the belief that it’s the answer to all problems. 

What do I grasp for when I feel dis-ease?

  • Can’t run? At least I can ride.
  • Can’t find peace in Toronto? At least there’s other space in the world.
  • Rain? Indoor trainer.
  • Out of coffee? Go to cafe.
  • No wifi? I’ll use my data.
  • No eggs? I’ll buy some.
  • Didn’t get the job? Another one will come. 

Alternatives are great. There’s merit to adaptability, faith and trust.  My purpose in this post is about how this is all a form of filling a gap, filling a “supposed” gap. Filling space. But what happens if that space is left empty?

I’m filling space right now. My laptop’s broken, and I’m jonesin for my fingers to type in the search engine for the comfort of knowing I’m working towards finding a job on Vancouver island. So I’m writing about this feeling. I’m writing this on my phone as an alternative. 

Behind the filling of space to use my phone is the filling of space to find a job. I didn’t get the job I applied for in Tofino at The Homestead. The job was at a retreat centre where I would be a yoga instructor and holistic wellness practitioner. I allowed myself to feel like this job completed me. I felt pretty down after finding out that the retreat was shutting (had to laugh bc phone autocorrected that to shitting…) down for winter and there was no job for me. I was to be the hostess and caretaker of the place during the winter season as they’re an Airbnb. What really shook me, was the I got the call (e-mail….and I called back) after sharing my social media platform info which is not discrete about my journey in fighting Eating Disorder. 

And so, I felt like it might be that this was the reason for the decline of my position. I felt like💩.  Is mental health battling a reason for being unhirable? I asked if there was anything in my application that I should be aware of for future applications that may have been deferents for hiring. She said no.

You know what I did then? I went in my IG and took “ED Warrior” off my description. I only put it back on yesterday. 

What I realized: RIGHT NOW, I have everything I need to be the practitioner of my soul’s calling. Not when I get “the job”. Not if I eat _______. Not if I get 7.8K IG followers. But now. Any place I expend this energy in, is only a platform. But right now, this is me and I have all I need. So, damn straight I’m an ED warrior.

I can easily fill space, find alternatives with another job, a bike ride, a steak…but to sit with the space unfilled, damn. 

Can I bang my head now? I think I think too much.

I’ve saved a wicked (long….read it in #pigeonpose, very worth the read) article to share which expresses this concept. I highly recommend you read it: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/connect-with-yourself-in-a-world-designed-to-distract-you/

No grasping, trusting. No biking today, no “certainty”, no saviour in any alternative, only the beat of my own heart and breath right now. 

And everything is alright forever and forever and forever.