Fear body

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I’m having a [shit] day.

Ran yday trails headlamp pouring rain was nice but calf sore at end and foot and was afraid of bones & looking forward to seeing my physio today and she had to cancel bc her doggo strikethrough baby had emerg vet in van (feels for her!!!!).

No tests show that it’s a stress frac but my anxiety is v high not seeing her.

Morning swim had me feeling so drained and some rhomboid/radiating pec tightness (body’s warning sign).

Must ground myself and meet the needs that parts of me feel aren’t met. Must edge slowly towards the fear, beginning in the state of being in India.


Hike > Stairmaster

Last minute decision to get outside instead of gym. Good choice. Felt so alive.

Been watching vids of Emelie Forsberg lately and I feel that sense of wonder and natural movement connection inside me. I’m re-membering myself.

I miss the Grouse Grind that used to be up my street in North Vancouver, but I still love nature everywhere. Vertical is gentler on healing ribs (less jarring)

Movement is magic. No gym mirrors, no comparison, no sanitizer, and I can pee wherever the fuck I want 💩 🌲

Arbutus trees are damn beautiful 🏔

Thank you, Mount Work

Rib Spasm

I’ve had this rib pain in the past it’s one area that my body screams when I don’t listen to
It. It’s gotten REAL bad sometimes I think I’m having a heart attack. This time it’s on my right side, so I know it’s not heart.

Here’s a picture of a spasm that happened in the Cumby trail race shortly after I panicked because I went off-course and had been leading the race. I was instantly in incredible distress and ended up in so much pain in the medical tent after crossing the finish (I went 15 mins off-course and still placed first. So proud of myself. Up till that point I was having SUCH a time!).

Yesterday, out of “nowhere”, while washing my face my rib tweaked -I felt it and it was so painful & I knew I have to move so slowly. Took Tylenol and Advil to sleep.

But—Wow Rib not as bad as I thought it would be this morning. I literally thought I’d be in agony but I texted my therapist who asked if I was able to “be with the pain”, and I did. Holy shit I think that was what my body wanted.

I’m actually shocked that it’s not excruciating.

Maybe this is what the body’s asking for when it speaks? To be with it. Feel it?

What I’m interested in lately:

Here’s a compilation of some things catching my attention lately:

1. Nasal breathing and training and Life:

2. Gray Cook and Functional Movement Screening:

“Make it challenging, not difficult.

Reflex-stability: distraction and compression for hips and shoulders are probably going to give you more reflex stabilization then rehearsing reps with the stabilizer muscles, because they’re going to send out a global signal for alignment and integrity.”

3. CPTSD & Psychotherapist Pete Walker:

4. Lawrence Van Lingen: chiro & natural movement & breath cool dude runner Ironman works with Rinny Carfrae & Ryan Sandes ✊🏻

5. Craig Liebenson and First Principles of Movement:

Put your Hand on your FUCKING heart (, Love)

Whoa whoa whoa. Waking up, snoozing or not.  Crack of dawn or mid-day.  The expression of awakeness doesn’t matter.  When I wake up, usually, to my early-ass alarm, or whether you sleep way in after a Netflix binge, or food binge, or other form of numbing binge, are you with yourself?

Generally, I have a racing heart (sry #HeartRateVariability) and am in a stimulated place (and I’m not talking #morningwood shit…).  I am what Ayurveda calls “rajasic“.  Unsettled.  Rawr.


High adrenaline in the body is a way to prepare for mobilization, movement. So, I’m primed to metabolize those hormones through exercise.  I hop on my bike and 99% of the time, red-line my threshold.  One word goes through my mind when I think of the resultant state from this: subdued.

I met the base-jumpers who hop off the Squamish Chief.  (They’re cool cats)

Image result for cat memes


We chatted about my fascination with the topic I am studying of stress addictionThis was after I had scrambled leggies for second breakfast aka I 18:48’d it up the fist peak.  On a busy Sunday….(I now don’t bring a watch anymore when scrambling because I am not trusting myself with how far I can go with my athletic pursuits…I actually scared myself).

They are very much adrenaline junkies So, they could relate to the itch they got to get high.  

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The word I explained and that also got some nods was that of driving home after their jump(s) and my scramble is subdued.  It’s like this crazy calm, not dissimilar from that of someone who just smoked a J, or drank some wine, or shotted some meth….and that’ s cool, right?  #coolcat…the yang it needed in life, maybe not drug-related.  The issue I feel, is when the dependency roots for that feeling.  The addiction cycle providing respite, definition by Bae Gabor Mate is (paraphrased):

The moment after satisfying a craving, whereby the addict for a fleeting second no longer is hungry for the drug.

So, what the individual craves more than anything, is that space in-between where there is no ravenous appetite to be sedated.  There is a fleeting moment of peace.

So, isn’t what we all crave, simply that space?

I truly don’t think there’s anything wrong with base-jumping, running, wine, weed, ok maybe meth isn’t so great….but to be able to trust the self enough not to depend on it is where freedom lies.  Being rendered choiceless in one’s dependency for the satisfaction of a craving, the very dependency upon the craving, is where the disparity lies.

To scratch the itch of craving is beautiful.  But desperation, that’s the fear.  The inability to imagine not satisfying the craving, or having the craving be so big and so consuming that it blinds oneself of the view of other of life’s limbs is dangerous.

That is the way we cope.

The expression of the drug is not important.  Where did we lose our inner ability to feel satisfied sans-drugs?  Gabor says it lies in trauma, attachment styles, and overall not gaining the resources within ourselves from a young age that gave us the self-efficacy to self-soothe.  So we are addicts, seeking that high.

To remedy this, is to I believe learn to re-trust the self.  Cultivate safety in daily life.  Practice in small windows, the feeling of presence and connection.

To wake up, regardless of what time it is, and put hand on heart.  Feel the heart beat.  That is always there (unless #death…).  That grounds us.  That’s presence, in the flesh (pun intended #afterallthistimealways).