This term has been around my body and percolating for the 12 years whereby I have had no period. Hypothalamic Amenorrhea: a state I’ve talked about in previous posts is when the body perceives external threats to be such that it preserves life by shutting down peripheral processes.
I believe that parts of me survived by fight/flight/freeze in response to past trauma. Now, their habitual tendencies latch on whenever they perceive outside experiences as outside their realm of coping.
Bring in addiction. Addiction to this state of stimulation is what I feel. And as I’m becoming more aware of this state in my life, I am speaking more about it. I have come across people on the Squamish Chief, in cafe’s around Cumberland and now Squamish, in the therapy room for sure, in the library. After chatting, they can relate to the feeling of ease and comfort with being “turned on”.
I believe that addiction is a universal term. I believe that my own path is this: the more I live out of automation, haste, anxiety, the more I feel the need to detach myself from the actions and ensuing choices that just don’t seem to align with my subconscious virtues.
Do you understand or relate to this? I know the “that’s not my hand!” feeling when it’s almost as if you’re watching someone that isn’t you, do things?
This is the act of living outside of the present moment and being disconnected from yourself. I believe that the more I feel threatened, the more I am living numbed. The more I live numbed, the more I make choices that don’t make me feel aligned and the more I want to numb.
It’s in details like:
- when an injury/pain arises (I wasn’t listening to my body, I wasn’t in-tune)
- when I crave an ice-cold shower (repenting, compensating, punishment)
- when I CRAVE. Straight up, just crave. It could be anything, but it is noticeably charged
- when I get a migraine (probably from undernourishment)
- when I feel lonely or a sense of “ennui” (I didn’t seek out the support I needed because I was preoccupied with the insanely energy-consuming task of tending to my anxieties, my anxiety experience in general, busying myself and exhausting myself subconsciously as a way to escape and run away from the pain)
- Bloat, gas, discomfort in digestion, GERD, IBS: food choices as a source of coping vs intuitive nourishment.
- Excessive and obsessive skin picking in the bathroom mirror. (hot/cold flashes, sometimes self-inflicted, leaving my insides seeking a release)
This is a big realization for me. That the remedy as the yogis have always said, the very definition of Yo-Ga (oneness, mind-body, connection), is to tune into myself.
I actually want to have a harmonious relationship with myself, my body-mind.
I want to feel my body.
I’m actually fully writing this in the library bathroom right now because I am having some gut-issues (lingering antibiotics “hangover” of diminished gut flora). I feel that when my digestion is off, I run around in a hurried state because of the utter confusion that ensues and the choices that I make after it: food choices that make me body more confused, energy fluxes, emotional upheaval.
That’s it: confusion.
Confusion from the disconnect from my body, mind and soul. Uncertainty is a state that can be peaceful if I am present with it, present fully in my body with it. But the honest and imperative remedy is to be connected with myself.
(Breath is huge in this journey. HUGE)
Namaste. Or something.